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lauantai, joulukuu 31, 2005
HAPPY NEW YEAR YA ALL!
lauantai, joulukuu 31, 2005 |
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keskiviikko, joulukuu 28, 2005
Sister put some pictures online, not the best ones but here is one pic from monday's jams. I look terrible.
keskiviikko, joulukuu 28, 2005 |
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Looking forward new year
I jumped took a bus from Halli at 22th. Just hour before I said goodbye to great bunch of people I've been watching around for almost 6 months during their training. Halli is quiet again. I got few pints at local pub in J�ms� cause I had to wait for the train forever. Walked to trainstation and I was basically turned in to ice 'til the train arrived. It was full of people. I had the last place in whole train, almost next to my sister who had took the same train from Helsinki. 4 to 5 hours later we where at Kajaani. I spend whole Xmas time back at North with my family. Everything was peaceful and white. Dad told us not to go far away from the house when it was dark cause there was 3 wolfs at the neighbourhood. Nice. Weather was cold whole time but that's what I like it to be. When we arrived we had some coffee, pint of beer and chat with my stepmother. I went to sleep quite early. Dad forced me up too early. I wanted to sleep forever. Basically whole 23th day went laying on the sofa, having a sauna at night and having a chillin' time with family. Drank some great redwine and stayed up way too late. I had to force myself to bed. I was excausted but I never wanted to go to bed when I was awake cause I knew that it will take forever 'til Im back home. At Xmas I slept late, went to have a Xmas dinner to Kajaanin Prikaati which was pretty awful cause I had to wear my holiday suit. All the ppl where staring at me. It was nice and peaceful dinner and met Yte and Tellu there. I've missed them so much. Then we went to meet Sussu and Timo who got engaged 24.12.2005 00.01am. IM SO HAPPY for them. So happy. After huging everyone about hundrets of time we jumped back in a car and left to Korholanm�ki. There we opened the presents and it seemed that I've been a very good girly this year! I got a DVD player, Professional pan to make great meals to, chocolate (how suprising that was), A cute cap which suits me perfectly and a great Alicia Keys unplugged cd/dvd, Green apple soap and t-shirt with "V�kivalta lopettaa vittuilun" print, pinhole camera, chocolate jar with delicious tryffel thangs inside, Old finnish Airforce uniforms hat from 70's, Jewerly from Senni ...Great things and Im so happy. I feel awful that I didnt have time to think anything great to anyone. A bit with Senni but she mostly arranged everything which I agreed.
At christmas evening Raikku and Tanja suddenly arrived. Then I noticed to jam around. Havent had that much joy in my life in ages. We had great jamming session with Raikku. I sang my lungs off. We decided to play few songs at 26th Jams at Kajaani. Xmas day I slept late and did nothing more than ate and watched movies. 26th Virpi got us up "Girls you got 20 mins to be outside". It was awfully cold, like -20 something, beautiful day. I took a sip of coffee and got lotsa warm clothing to wear and went outside to have a joyride with motor sleigh!! We drove something like 130km/h! What a fun!! I also drove with m�nkij� around the area and that was fun! Loved it. Went to inside to have watch a movie and have a nap. Later on we Xmas angel arrived (Oudi) and we AGAIN ate a Christmas dinner. And too much of it, of course. After that I got myself ready for night out at Kajaani and we headed to city. There was lotsa ppl at Balls. Band was playing and for my suprise singer was old school mate from far away from my history - Petra. She was in the houseband. There were also other old school friends I havent seen in ages like Milla and Elina Kemppainen. I was amazed that they have had school reunion at summer and Senni and I where never invited. :( What was that suppose to mean? Oh well. Anyway...Everyone seesm to have children and husbands nowadays. And career. I was shocked! But It seems that I always live everything thought differently.
Army mate just asked me to leave to interrail with 'em in summer. Gotta think that. Sounds great plan.
Anyway, At the Jams...I went to the stage with Raikku and with whole lotsa other musicians like dad and so on. We played "Pride and joy" and "Sweet home chicago". Something in me have changed so much. I was left behind, panic in me was there somewhere behind and some great power took over. I sang and act like never before. I was in a way even relaxed. My voice took over and I felt it going on and just listened myself that what in earth is happening here! It was great...Ground like it. Lotsa ppl came to say thank you and some guys came over that "You sang the houseband singer off the stage, that poor girl". ;P
Great night anyway, met lotsa friends and people. Many guys tried to hit me and I was a bitch. Got myself angry by few italian gentlemans. Had few great chats with strangers and local musicians. Senni got great pictures of me and Daddy-O and three of us. Great time. Raikku drove us back to Korholanm�ki and then we listened Queen til 5.30am and had a few drinks. It was So great. I love my family. Oh well...nice vacation, I was quite numb still. But it was good, holiday out from my thoughts. I've also had some cheering spice from one friend of a friend. Daddy-O is also trying to get me marry this musician. Quite a laugh. But that's life indeed. Yesterday we took a train back but that is another story which I'll write here in finnish later on. God as you are my witness I will never take a train in finland! ;) I hate VR, it sucks so deeply nowadays. I miss the old times when there was nothing that worked that well as finnish trains. How life changes. laters.
keskiviikko, joulukuu 28, 2005 |
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keskiviikko, joulukuu 21, 2005
Nothing brings me down - hopefully
With teets and nails I try to keep my mood up after quite fine day. Its been over -15 degrees here and first thing at the morning we ran cooper. It was horrible since it was so cold! But i did fine. After that we just spend few hours fillin' some quizes and that's about it. Everyone left to their holidays but I stayed. I'll be off tomorrow. I spend a day at the weatherstation (!last shift ever!) waiting for guys get themselves here from Tikkakoski. Then I leave for vacation at 16.00. I go to J�ms� where I jump in same train which my sister have picked from Helsinki and we travel to Kajaani together. Senni brings a bottle of something good like Jallu which we can sip together and chat. Tonight I have to watch over this kiddo's here that they dont do anything stupid cause they have a last day in Halli before moving to another places and platoons...Sigh.
My life is like a Emiliana Torrini's song. Bittersweet and sang out with a smile, pain inside.
Heartstopper
You said I began
This messy state of love affairs
That I drink too much and smoke too fast
And this city's cleared my innocence
Coffee's pouring out my ears
It�s the only thing they have in here
And my heart stops beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
Number tree still on my plate
I heard the trains are running late
And I laughed out loud
My life is a mess
I have gone too far
In my lifelessness
Another coffee it�s on the house
The poor girl look is on the owners spouse
And my heart stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
Outside your house
To make a scene
In my head you grab me passionately
But the lights are out
And in an hour I walked on home
In the pouring shower
Lost my keys in front of me
My neighbour smiles he�s handing me
The blackest coffee you will ever see
And my hearts stops beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
And when it stops it stops
My heart stopped beating
Pit�� itsens� vauhdissa p�iv�t. T�n��n kulkenut ulkona kun maailma kimaltelee. Taivas kirkas ja aurinko paistaa kuuraisten puiden lomasta. Puiden ymp�rill� hohkaa kulta. Ilma on kirpe�� ja pistelee poskilla. Jalat ovat v�syneet juoksusta, lihakset jumissa. Ilta pimenee, sinert��. T�hdet syttyy. Kuljen hiljaisella varuskunta alueella ja ajattelen jotain muuta kuten "pit�� sitten muistaa sanoa oppilasjohtajille sit� sun t�t�...", menen heitt�m��n legendaa RUK:laisten kanssa ja polttelemaan savukkeita.
I got into that school i applied for! It starts at 9.1.2006. WOO! I also got a phonecall from one firm I send job aplication to and they really want to meet me. "Tomorrow?" they asked but I told that if they have read my papers well they can see that Im in army atm. They promised to call around new year when Im home and meet me then. "It can be arranged, we want to meet you." Im happy. Promotion work at evenings and weekends. Suits me quite well. I also will have some bar / restaurant work and I've send aplication to few other places too...
WHAT A GREAT NEWS! Happy.
Tuntuu kun olisi yksin t�m�n taivaan alla. Huudan halausta ja jotakuta iloitsemaan kanssani. No, Eric soitti v�litt�m�sti kun laitoin tekstarilla uutiset, samoin �iti, senni ... eka. <3 Mutta joo. Hard to explain. Kun menee y�ll� tupaan, vet�� oven kiinni iskee raapiva olotila. Yritt�� niell� jotain. Ik�v�. Kyll� kai se t�st�. On masentavaa n�hd� kuinka jollekkin se on helppoa kun napista painaisi. "En tunne kohtaasi en�� mit��n, meit� ei koskaan ollutkaan, nada." ... Olenpas taas tunteellinen. Pois se minusta. Pit�� opetella olemaan se biatch which Iv'e always been.
This is last entry 'til new year perhaps. Have a nice holidays, love you all, merry and peacefull Xmas holidays. <3 !!!!! Puss och Kram.
keskiviikko, joulukuu 21, 2005 |
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tiistai, joulukuu 20, 2005
Its beautiful outside.
I wish I could sing. I have this frusturation inside me and I need to sing.
Another night without good sleep. I listen music and read.
I've been listenin' Scandinavian music group lotsa again and must say that their first record is absolutely fab. Its been my favorite for ages and now its close again.
h�n nojaa leuan polviin
ja polviinsa hymyilee
lumi s�ihkyy auringossa
on vain kiireet�nt� aikaa
sarja aurinkoisia p�ivi�
joina h�n tiet�� saavansa kaiken
kukaan ei koskaan tullut kertomaan
hei mik��n ei koskaan oo sit� milt� ensin n�ytt��
en�� h�n ei hymyile
vaan katselee totisena
kuinka kev��ll� sade hakkaa
vie lumen mukanaan
h�n miettii kuraisella tiell�
ettei taida antaa mit��n
kukaan ei koskaan tullut kertomaan
hei mik��n ei koskaan oo sit� milt� ensin n�ytt��
miten niin rumaa
voi edes tulla vastaan
t�st� eteenp�in
h�n itkee salaa ainoastaan
World is blue. I wish I could send pictures here.
tiistai, joulukuu 20, 2005 |
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maanantai, joulukuu 19, 2005
Valkoinen on maailma
Morjens.
Mielet�n ilma ollut t�n��n. Oli Att ja sitten menin asemalle opettamaan uusia s��oppilaita. Seisoin ulkona, katse kohti aurinkoa ja imin voimaa. Ei ollut tuulta ja ilma pisteli poskilla. Kaikki oli kuuran peitt�m��. U P E A A.
Mist� saan sen joulufiiliksen joka mulla on aina ollut? Sellainen lempe� rauha ja l�mmin olo? Pakko muuten sanoa jo nyt, ett� olen saanut yst�vilt�ni aivan _ihania_ lahjoja. Kiitos. Parhaita ikin�. <3
Sotkussa. Joululaulut soi, ilmaista gl�gi�, tunnelmaa ja sen sellaista. Silti olo ett� tekisi mieli menn� tupaan yksin lukemaan mielet�nt� Murakamin kirjaa ja uppoutumaan uskomattomiin sanoihin joita ikin� ei kuvitellut yhdistelev�ns�. Tunteita joita ei ole ikin� uskonut tiet�v�ns� voivansa pist�� sanoiksi. Raivokkaan kipeit� tunteita jotka satuttavat jo luettuna. Empatiaa, sympatiaa ja hiljainen sopimus itsens� kanssa siit�, ett� opettelen puhumaan. Sanomaan. Ketuttaa se, ett� kun opettelin ja pakotin itseni joskus jotain sanomaan (jota kaduin sitten mutta joka kuitenkin johti johonkin) niin t�ss� sit� ollaan. Mietin, ett� miss� oikeastaan ollaan? Kun ei tied�. Hallissa. Lumimaailmassa jossa kaikki kimmelt��. Pian kotona Kajaanissa. Tarvitsisin halausta mutta t��ll� pysty kuuran takia edes halaamaan puuta. Tuntuu, ett� jos joku v�h�n edes hipaisee niin joko ly�n takaisin tai saan s�tkyn. K�yn ylikierroksilla. On pipolakki ja punatakki...
maanantai, joulukuu 19, 2005 |
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sunnuntai, joulukuu 18, 2005
Last minutes at turku
For awhile...Then I go back to Halli and then spend Xmas at North with my family, Daddy-O and so on.
I dont feel like Xmas. I dont know...This weekend have been such a mess. In my head I mean.
sunnuntai, joulukuu 18, 2005 |
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lauantai, joulukuu 17, 2005
Misantrooppi
Lotta on tehnyt itsest��n pellen. Lotta on t� t� t�...
Sovitaanko n�in, ett� t�st� minuutista l�htien olen siisti siivu joka ei tunne yhtik�s mit��n. Viinankin kanssa ja ilman. Sopii paremmin. Ja en itke pisaraakaan vuoteen.
Np. Stam1na - Kadonneet kolme sanaa... "Vihaan sinua ihminen".
lauantai, joulukuu 17, 2005 |
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perjantai, joulukuu 16, 2005
Gentle art of making enemies
Eric is in finland. Great! We'll go to sit around today which is very nice. Eeva has a party tomorrow and I'll go there too. I cannot stay at home. All the walls are getting down on me and I cannot stand to be sitting down staring at the walls and listening the pathetic thoughts in my head which drives me grazy. I want to be on the move and not to feel anything - anything.
Last night when I sat on the train I was so exausted. I cannot remember myself being that tired in ages. Every place was hurting, I felt like world keeps spinning around and I couldnt even talk. I was so tired that I didnt even felt anything. Got up at Turku trainstation, walked home and realized that I havent drink water in week. Only whole lotsa coffee and sip of milk here and there with the food. I drank some water and I got myself together to meet Eric quickly in Whiskey bar. We chatted for hour or two and then I had to come home cause I coulndt say awake anymore...
I saw awful dreams. They where so real that I hated to be alive when I woke up. I think I should change the bedsheets. Drank few cups of coffee and left to interview which went well. Im so exited if I get in the school. Im highly motivated and all I need now is something to do, a lot and with intense. After army I dont want to find myself staring to walls and thinking about those pathetic thoughts I said earlier.
AND THEN YOU KISSED ME (I & II)
Lyrics by Nina Persson The Cardigans.
I.
man, I've had a few
but they wouldn't quite blow me like you
you gave me your name and signed
with a halo around my eye
and it hit me like never before
that love is a powerful force
yes, it struck me that love is a sport
so I pushed you a little bit more
love, you're news to me
you're a little bit more than I'd thought you'd be
a mole in my well-fed lawn
you're a nightmare beating the dawn
oh, it hit me like never before
that love is a powerful force
yes, it struck me that love is a sport
so I pushed you a little bit more
blue blue, black and blue
red blood sticks like glue
true love is cruel love
red blood's a power-fuel
sweet love, tasty blood
my heart overfloods
oh, you hit me !
yeah, you hit me really hard
man, you hit me !
yeah, you hit me right in the heart
lord, I've had my deal
but I never quite knew how it feels
when love makes you wake up sore
with fists that are ready for more
and it hit me that love is a game
like in war, no one can be blamed
yes, it struck me that love is a sport
so I pushed you a little bit more
oh, blue blue, black and blue
red blood sticks like glue
true love is cruel love
red blood's a power-fuel
sweet love, tasty blood
my heart overfloods
man, you hit me !
yeah, you hit me really hard
baby you hit me !
yeah, you punched me right in the heart
and then you kissed me...
(and then you hit me... )
oh, you haunt me with your violent heartbeat at night
oh, you strike me with your silence baby, tonight
why you haunt me with your violence baby, come hit me !
you haunt me with your violent heartbeat...
II.
slowdancing tight
my barren heart and I
your name used to taste so sweet
then you beat the love right out of me
it's a mystery how people behave
how we long for a life as a slave
when he kissed me I gladly gave in
to a fight nobody could win
man, he left me blue!
and if I could I would do it too
I tell you now like I told you before
love is a powerful force
and it's a mystery how people behave
how we long for a life as a slave
and tumble into any open arms
than will only ever do you harm
Oh, you! you! it's always you!
the best kisser that I ever knew
true love is cruel love
not much to be proud of
nerve-wrecking acrobatic backwards bend
all for a happy end
it's a mystery how people behave
how we worry ourselves to the grave
when he kissed me I lost everything
then I got up and did it again
oh, you! you! it's always you!
the hardest hitter that I ever knew
true love is cruel love
not much to be proud of
ass-kissing, mercy-missing faithless friend
all for a happy end
I got great Xmas present from Eka. A tshirt with text "V�kivalta lopettaa vittuilun"...Nicey. :D Very cool one. Funny. A great shirt to wear at bars when you really want to keep quys away - and that is certanly what I really want. Gosh, tiredness is getting me so cup or two of coffee and then later on meeting Eric at city! <3 Love to have old friend around. We've known for ages, or Senni have known him and I got to know him via Senni. He's one big heart.
perjantai, joulukuu 16, 2005 |
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keskiviikko, joulukuu 14, 2005
How funny. I feel happy, like I always do. Even if everything is going to hell Im always deeply happy in the bottom. Well, this test says difference ... ;)
keskiviikko, joulukuu 14, 2005 |
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tiistai, joulukuu 13, 2005
Yliv�sy. Nukkumatta ollut hereill� koko p�iv�n ja paiskinut t�it�. Se, ett� kirjoittaa n�ppiksell� tuntuu k�siss� kipuna ja sormissa ... hakannut pari pv koko ajan puita. Tossa hirvee mustelma jalassa kun kirves kimposi siihen. Onneksi ter� sivuttain, ett� ei osunut jalkaan ja tullut ruumiita. Nyt siin� iso kuhmu ja s�rky 8) Just kun pojat kettuili mun raivokkaasta puiden teurastus meisingist� ja kun v�lill� kuuluu raivohuutoja kun hakkaan palasiksi jotain tihe� oksaista klapia...
P��sin �sken suihkuun. Nyt vois vain nukahtaa mutta pikapikaan tulin ostoksille (saatiin lupa keuruulaisten kera!) sodeen ja sitten jotain valmisteluja aamiaista varten ja tonkkien odotteluja pesuun. Sitten hetki unta ja taas. Mainio leiri. Pelottaa huominen hammasl��k�ri. Pelottaa, ett� meneek� lomani l�pi perjantaille - Ty�haastista, kouluhaastista sen sellaista...Saanko jouluksi 22-27.12 lomaa. Kaikki tuntuu nyt t��ll� vaihteeksi v�h�n menev�n ristiin. En tied� onko kukaan saanut miti� papereita kun toimistoista on perustettu jonkun toisen varuskunnan IVAK-asemia ja ties mit� viestih�rdellej�...Skappareita ei tapaa koskaan. Ja ei ole aikaa etsiskell�kk��n. Laa. Laa!
Ekalla on uusi mies. Ihmettelinkin kuin ei vastaa puhelimeen ja naisesta ei kuulu miti�. Itseasiassa koko viikon mun puhelin lukuunottamatta eilist� tekstaria ja yhdest� opistosta tullutta puhelua niin on ollut hyvin t�ysin mykk�...Pit�isi varmaan soittaa Epalle, kysy� kuulumisia, milloin Eric arrives etc. Siskon kanssa ei ole mit��n puhuttavaa kun ei ole asiaakaan. Tai on, mutta en jaksa puhua muuta kuin ett� "Paljon hommia, Jea v�sy, her�nny 2.30- hysteerinen olo, Jea, l�in kirveell� s��reeni, kuinka menee, Ai, No voi, Joo laters, terve."
V�lill� tekisi mieli kiukutella. T�n��n huusin t�ysill� jostain ihan ihme asiasta kun hermostuin. Leikittiin sitten "ammu spolle" peli� (eli spadekatoksesta lumiv�ijyss� portille heitell��n lumipalloja ja naureskellaan kun ihmettelev�t et mist� niit� tulee) ja purin v�h�n agressioita huutamalla kovaa R�YR�Yjne setti� joka oli pojista vaan hyvin huvittavaa aww-setti�.
Yeah. Onpas kiire taas ja teksti on jotain ihan hirve��. Mutta mit� v�li�. Menenp� odottelemaan ruokap�ntt�j�. S��mosat (siis tikkakoskelta uudet s��oppilaat ovat saapuneet y�ll�. Siit� on siis tasan 6kk kun saavuin itse halliin. Ha.) py�rii h�mmentyneen� katsellen tukikohtaharjoituksen menoa ja meininki� ja kaipaavat varmasti Tikikselle. Voi voi. been there done that gotta tshirt.
tiistai, joulukuu 13, 2005 |
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Dont cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me...
Don't cha?
How many hours is in a day? Which day in Decenmber is Xmas? Yeah - I know, 24. As much I have days left in army. Im having a little brake. I've been awake and working with catering fellas since 2.30am. Since that we've been working our asses off and Im very tired. I burned my hand and have a little scratch in my face when one guy was slitting the wood to sticks and one piece flied towards my cheek. I kinda love to "do too much". No time to think while time flies. It was very stormy last night! Our lamp in the tent went out all the time and we where afraid to get whole tent on our necks! Scary. But I did get few hours sleep while laughing over tiredly to every damn joke guys kept telling. At 2.30am it was still stormy but sky was clear. We drove to cathering place and started to put fire on. It was relaxing to drink energy drink, watch stars and moon and hear the sound of fire. Nice way to start a day indeed. Usually we have a radio on all the time and its fun to sing along and make fun of everything. Cause we are so tired everything is over hilarious from time to time. Sometimes I find myself staring nowhere and feeling weak and empty but well...
One friend from Brazil which I've met over internet asked my and Jukka's permission to use sorb-i-tol's music in play. I feel quite merry about his doing that. And exited.
Haven't heard from Eka in ages. I even called her in sunday but she never called back or anything. Maybe she's just busy. Eeva is having a xmas party with glowing wine etc in saturday and Eric is around. Nice. Also friends are planning to go skiing. We'll see about that cause its a fact that our family have always been so broke that I never got a change to learn how to snowboard or skiing...But who cares, its more fun with pulkka or stiga. Which, btw - I own.
Ketuttaa, ett� kotona kompuutteri paskana. Sit� ei saa edes en�� auki. Ei tunnista hiirt� taikka n�ppist�. Eik� ne edes en�� toimi. Hitto, siell� kaikki ty�t kaikki VUOSIEN jutut ja en kest� jos ne menet�n. My�s en pysty tekeen sivujani etc ilman kaikkea sit� infoa. Ja kotona olen riippuvainen siit�, ett� voin silloin t�ll�in vilkasta netti� k�mppiksen koneelta. Koneeni pit�nyt hirveet� metakkaa viimeiset kuukaudet ja oikeastaan pari vikaa kk:ta uskaltanut edes avata sit�. Huoh, ahdistaa kun peeaa ja tarvitsee koneen. Viel� jos sais pelastettua kaikki tiedot tuolta vanhalta uuteen, sais pari rakasta ohjelmaa niin laa laa. En�� vanha konekkaan ei py�rit� uusia ohjelmia ja vaadittavia uusia versioita. Tympe�� t�m� alati uusiutuva teknologia ja sen sellainen. Mutta suotta stressata nyt siit�, nukuttaa. Tuli vaan mieleen kun t��ll� sotilaskodin koneellakin t�m� hiiri kettuilee, mutta sent��n toimii! X)
Dont cha wish you girlfriend was raw like me, dont cha. Huippu biisi, soi koko ajan radiosta (mik� on loppuen lopuksi rasittavaa - koko ajan samat rallit kun kuuntelee 3am - 9pm!!!) ...
Sain tiet��, ett� saan raflat�it� ehk� silloin t�ll�in vkl jahka siviiliin. The cow / Sugah !
tiistai, joulukuu 13, 2005 |
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maanantai, joulukuu 12, 2005
I've done so much work today that every place in my body is aching and Im exausted. I have to get up 2.30am and work til 7pm. Every day 'til friday. And its fine. I love it. I beat the hell out from myself. And I dont have to think. And I have great ppl around me. And I have fun. And I spend whole camp doing something that everyone are depend on. Im helping making the food for 500ppl, packing 'em and driving it all around etc etc etc. Its hard but right now, I love it.
maanantai, joulukuu 12, 2005 |
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sunnuntai, joulukuu 11, 2005
Sunday is gloomy...
Tekisi mieli vuodattaa, mutta mit�p� sekin auttaisi. Olen kaksi p�iv�� t�rissyt ja tuntenut jotain mit� en pysty pist�m��n sanoiksi. En ole kokenut t�ll�ist� ikin�. Toivon, ett� jossain vaiheessa n�m� 9. ja 10.12 saisivat jollain tapaa positiivisemman p�iv�n kaiun itseens�.
V�lill� olen v�h�n vihainen, katkera mutta se pyyhkiytyy ymm�rryksell� ja (vittu et m� vihaan joskus itse�ni) kunnioituksella toista ihmist� kohtaan. Sit� yritt�� selitell� itselleen kaikkea ja pist�� p��t�ns� j�rjestykseen mutta kaikki on vain tyhj��. Makaa s�ngyss� ja ei pysty mihink��n. Ei jaksa edes keskustella kenenk��n kanssa tai vastata puhelimeen. Ei jaksa selitt�� kellekk��n mit��n. Ehk� se on h�nelle helppoa. Ehk� se ei tunnu miss��n. No en usko kyll� tuotakaan...On vain jokseenkin sekaisin. En haluaisi kuulostaa naiviilta, en katkeralta, en idiootilta. En tied� mit� sanoa sill� t�m� on niin uutta. Toisaalta se kyyninen paska jota olen aina ollut, joka on aina ollut kuoreni, t�h�n asti - yritt�� j�lleen kiivet� p��lleni. Sarkastinen, kyyninen varjo jonka hiljaisuuteen on helppo k�perty� ruoskimaan itsest��n pois se kaikki mit� oikeasti olen. Tekisi mieli huutaa, ett� miksi vitussa menin taas ottamaan selk��ni mutta en halua. Hetkitt�in jopa ajaudun kyseiseen ajatukseen mutta ty�nn�n sen pois, sill� se en halua rankaista itse�ni mist��n. Kun ymm�rt�� ja ei ymm�rr� - se on vittumaista se. Ja kun aina on ollut niin helppoa nousta ja l�hte�, kulkea niin saatanan kopeena ja kovana pitkin maailman katuja...nyt on olo, ett� en jaksa en�� tuntea. En ole ihminen joka pystyy hetkess� lopettamaan jotain. Siisp�, ihtepp� olen hautani kaivanut. Ja silti koko ajan huomaan raa'asti sensuroivani itse�ni jotta en kuulostaisi haavoittuvalta tai loukkaantuneelta, surulliselta tai ... J�tetylt�.
Nojoo. Kuuntelen musiikkia ja juon teet�. Olen viikonlopun aikana sy�nyt palan pullaa ja jugurtin, palan kaksi suklaata. Telsusta alkaa Gilmoren tyt�t. Ulkona alkaa tulla pime��. Eric on suomessa. Ensi viikonloppuna sitten. Viikko met�ss� antimotivoituneiden idioottien kanssa jotka valittaa joka asiasta. Jumalauta.
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed,
Some forever, not for better,
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments,
With lovers and friends I still can recall,
Some are dead and some are living,
In my life I�ve loved them all.
But of all these friends and lovers,
There is no one compared with you,
And these mem�ries lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new.
Though I know I�ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I�ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.
Though I know I�ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before,
I know I�ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.
In my life I love you more.
Hankin hienon soitto��nen puhelimeeni. Scalan versio Rammsteinin Engelist�. Aika loisto setti�. Viikolla pit�� hankkia koulutuspaikkoja ja sen sellaista pient�. T�it�. Ja sen sellaista pient�. El�m� t�yteen tekemist�, paneutumista ja tekemist� tekemisen per��n. En osaa t�ll�hetkell� pukea sanoiksi mit��n mit� tunnen tai mit� p��ss�ni liikkuu. Olen kysymysmerkki ja piste. Vituttaa, ett� kaikki mahtava ei olekkaan niin hienoa, ett� siit� voi silti tuosta vaan luopua. Toivottavasti kaduttaa ihan vitusti.
sunnuntai, joulukuu 11, 2005 |
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lauantai, joulukuu 10, 2005
Bachelorette
I'm a fountain of blood
in the shape of a girl
you're bird on the brim
hypnotized by the whirl
Drink me - make me feel real
wet your beak in the stream
the game we're playing is life
love's a two way dream
Leave me now - return tonight
tide will show you the way
if you forget my name
you will go astray
like a killer whale trapped in a bay
I'm a path of cinders
burning under your feet
you're the one who walks me
I'm your one way street
I'm a whisper in water
a secret for you to hear
you're the one who grows distant
when I beckon you near
I'm a tree that grows hearts
one for each that you take
you're the intruders hand
I'm the branch that you break
Leave me now - return tonight
tide will show you the way
if you forget my name
you will go astray
like a killer whale trapped in a bay
M'oon ikuinen poikamiestytt�. Ulkona sataa lunta. Minun on helvetin kylm� ja en jaksa en�� olla mit��n.
lauantai, joulukuu 10, 2005 |
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perjantai, joulukuu 09, 2005
How the years past me by
Olen j�rkytt�v�n v�synyt. Vuosi sitten sanoin silloiselle poikayst�v�lleni puhelimessa matkalla kotiin, ett� romahdan t�ysin jos Isois�ni nyt kuolee. T�iss� oli aivan j�rkytt�v�n stressaavaa, matka britanniaan l�hestyi, paiskin t�it� kuin el�in ja j�rjestelin el�m�� kohta alkavaa armeijaa varten.
Sitten 24h ja ukki kuoli.
Seuraavana p�iv�n� paloi kotitalo.
Menin maanantaina normaalisti t�ihin ja en tuntenut mit��n. L�hdin britanniaan pariksi viikoksi Eevan luokse (what a great trip to Leeds and scotland!!!! OH!) ja kuin mit��n ei olisi tapahtunut. Palasin kipe�n� lentokoneessa ja seuraavana aamuna istuin kirkossa Ensio-Ukin hautajaisissa. Muutama p�iv� siit� istuin masin lavalla kohti tikkakoskea ja unohdin kaiken. Eilen suihkussa illalla, aivan j�rkytt�v�n sekavassa v�syneess� mielentilassa r�j�hdin t�yteen pohjatonta surua. Olin muutenkin ollut aivan sekop�� koko p�iv�n; mokannut kaiken mahdollisen, rehkinyt lihaskuntotestiss�, hytissyt mets�ss�, hoitanut tulevia opiskeluasioita, pankkiasioita etc etc. Mietin aivan liikaa ja olin fyysisesti sek� henkisesti aivan pohjattoman v�synyt. Seisoin tulikuumassa suihkussa melkein 30 minuuttia. Itkien. Niin kuin IF:in mainoksessa "tuolta se tuli ja tonne se meni". Menin tupaani ja istuin itkua niellen l�hes tunnin tuijottaen sein�� ja yritt�en rauhoittua. T�n��n her�sin v�syneen�, s�rkyisen� ja syv�sti uupuneena. Olenko tapani mukaan vaan sitten ty�nt�nyt kaikki tunteet jonnekkin, unohtanut niiden olemassa olon ja p��tt�nyt olla surematta? Kaikki hautajaiset ja muut kuuntelin kuin sukulaiset inisi vieress� (jopa puheessa minua katsoen), ett� ei pid� padota ja pit�� antaa aikaa surra. Olin vaan ett� joo joo what evaa, leave me be. Olin ilmeet�n, tunteeton ja ty�nsin jengi� pois. Olin vain vihainen ja kyrpiintynyt "typer�st�" itkeskelyst� ja suruttelusta. Halusin pois armeijaan helevetin nopeasti.
Joo. Ja nyt sitten kaikki hy�kyy p��lle ja haluaisin vain olla pieni, peittoni alla kotona ja hengitt�� syv��n silm�t kiinni ja rauhoittua. Tuntea jonkun rauhoittava l�mp�. ARGH.
T��ll� sit� ollaan. 28 p�iv�� on j�ljell� ja tajuan kuinka paljon armeijan lis�ksi on el�m�ss� vuodessa tapahtunut. On rakas kuollut, my�s yst�v� kev��ll�. Kotitalo palanut. Seurustelusuhde kariinut. Etsitty itse�ns� ja l�ydetty. Nyt kaikki n�ytt�is olevan yhdeskoos mutta pit�isi viel� vaan saada naisena itsetunto kuntoon ja olla ajattelematta liikaa. Olen h�mmentynyt asioista joita el�m�ss�ni t�ll� hetkell� tapahtuu ja en tied� miten suhtautua. Tunne el�m� on pulppuileva mihin en ole tottunut ja se ajaa minua ep�tietoisuuteen. Miss� menn��n, mit� h� what?! Toisaalta haluan el�� p�iv�n kerrallaan kaikin tavoin mutta huoh, miksi olla n�in ep�varma? Ehk� siksi, ett� kaikki on aina kussu polville ja nyt haluaisin, ettei niin k�visi. Toisaalta se tekee minusta aran, pelokkaan, ep�varman ja helevetin naurettavan. 8)
Eilen satuin l�hett�m��n tyhm�n tekstarin aivan tyhm��n paikkaan illalla. Sitten hajoilin pitkin komanian k�yt�vi� ja l�hdin pit�m��n iltavahvuuslaskentaa pihalle. Juuri kuin k�skin "Komppania, Asento!" kuului taskusta t�ysill� BOjoING!!(tekstiviestin ��ni, uusi puhelin, osannut laittaa hiljaselle.) ja kaikki, my�s min�, repesi nauramaan. H�kellyin ja unohdin kokonaan ilmoittaa yliluutnantti varuskunnanvalvojalle joka p�kitti minua tuijottaen taka-alalla. Noloa. XD Noo, osaanpa nauraa itselleni ainakin.
Ehk� pit�isi vain luottaa siihen mit� on jo saanut. Eik� hakea todisteluja jostain koko ajan. Oon vaan saanut niin lailla selk��ni tunnepuolella aina, ett� pelk��n ottaa riskej�.
Ja yleisesti el�m�ss�. Nyt joka paikassa pit�isi ottaa riskej�. Kaikin tavoin. Helvettil�inen.
Noniin. Pit�� menn� viem��n miehist� sy�m��n. Olen v�synyt. T�n��n lomille, huomenna alkaa tukikohtaharjoitus johon liityn sitten maanantaina. Ehanaa.
perjantai, joulukuu 09, 2005 |
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torstai, joulukuu 08, 2005
Ei juma - h�, onhan se niinki ...
Ei kyll� se nyt on vaan niin, ett� pakko alkaa toteuttamaan unelmiaan. Lainaa pankista, p��tt�v�isyytt�, n�yryytt�, uskoa itseens�, harjoittelua, itsens� tyrkytt�mist�, sivussa t�it� ja lainan maksua, uskallusta ja rohkeutta. En valitse ikin� helpoimpia teit� mutta yrit�n aina l�yt�� helpon tien -> l�yd�n sen vaikeimman ja painan hampaat tiukasti yhteen, nostan nokkani yl�s ja l�hden kohti tuulta. Jestas, on vaan niin outoa alkaa toteuttamaan jotain mit� on pitk��n halunnut, koska se voisi olla jo mahdollistakin. Kysymyksi� p�� t�ynn�, k�y itse�ns� l�pi ja miettii miettii miettii...Rohkeutta, Dooris. L�hinh�n armeijaankin, pieni riskin otto kannattaa aina. Jahka sais takaajan lainalle, opintolainaa, tuet, t�it�. N�in. Ja p��tt�v�isyytt� sek� pirunmoista kurinalaisuutta.
torstai, joulukuu 08, 2005 |
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keskiviikko, joulukuu 07, 2005
En meid�n taloon lis�� aikuisia halua
Whole day throught its been dark. I didnt get any sleep last night cause I was still having horrible hangover after mondays partying. I dont know, I didnt even drink that much but strong beer gets me everytime. DAMN! I had nice weekend. It was a pleasure to be at home after weeks of being closed inside these gates or sleeping in a tent. I have been quite productive today too! While I was waiting for some action I made lotsa job aplications. Keep yer thumbs up cause I dont want to be thrown on nothing at january. I have time to find a job 'til end of january and then Im screwed! Im taking everything, I even send my papers to place where they where looking for person to run a karaoke. Money to pay rent. All I need. After week or so I will hear did I get work here too...Somehow its ok If I get work here but .... Dunno. I wish I could go study. I wish I could get my life running!
I had deeply messed up phonecall last night too. It get me very worried and numb but Im glad things are ok now. I dont want things that are rock under my feet brakeing apart. My life has been moving from crise to another and I want it to be changeing. I want steady base for being me. And I want my family to be togerher. I dont want to lose any people I love. I've lost too many too soon. Oh well, we are all adults and now its a little 6 year old Lotta who's crying out loud inside my dirty ol' bitchy soul. ( Dont take anything too series right now - Im very quite tired. )
keskiviikko, joulukuu 07, 2005 |
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Great news! Even one rehersal is starting at saturday they allow me to go home for weekend! Great great great! Then at monday I'll join together with my huge platoon (4 to 6 guys) and we sneak around hitting people for a week. Sounds like fun. Today I havent done anything paticular. Tomorrow we go shoot for afternoon and some shite like that. All I want to do is get back home to do things like searching for a work and so on. We'll see...anyway, laters.
keskiviikko, joulukuu 07, 2005 |
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tiistai, joulukuu 06, 2005
Independence day
Kuulkaa korpeimme kuiskintaa,
jylhien j�rvien loiskintaa.
Meid�np� mainetta mainivat nuo,
koskien �rjyt ja surkeat suot.
Meid�np� vapautta vaarat on n��,
meid�n on laulua lahtien p��.
Meille my�s kev�tkin keijunsa toi,
rastas ja metso t��ll�kin soi.
Taival lie hankala - olkoon vaan.
Luonto lie kitsas - siis kilpaillaan.
Kolkasssa synke�n syntym�maan
pirttimme piilk�h�t paikoillaan.
Vainojen virmat, oi vaietkaa.
Rapparit, ry�st�j�t, kaijotkaa!
Miekkaa ei tarvis, tarmoa vaan,
puolesta hengen ja heimon ja maan.
Nouskoon rintaamme uskomus uus,
taantukoon taika ja vanhoillisuus.
Maamies, muista, miss' onnesi on,
riihesi rikkaus riippumaton
Kainuhun kansa, ah, arpasi ly�,
miss� on ryhtisi, kunnia, ty�?
Meid�n on uudesta luotava maa,
raukat vaan menk�h�t merten taa!
Hyv�� itsep�isyysp�iv�� paraatijoukot.
tiistai, joulukuu 06, 2005 |
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5.9
6.8
5.1
0
4.1