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perjantai, helmikuu 27, 2004
Im still shaking. just came to work. They done my hair so beautifully that I've never seen it like it. I'll put pictures soonish If I get some...And they loved Saaga. It went so well! Hopefully we get to semifinals!! WOOAH!
perjantai, helmikuu 27, 2004 |
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torstai, helmikuu 26, 2004
Rakas netti blogi.
T?n??n ulkona on hirve? myrsky. Ja min? olen ihminen joka saa tahtomattaan myrskyj? aikaiseksi. Tosin t?m? myrsky toden totta ei varmaan ole minun luomani, sill? vaikka kuinka yrit?n, en hallitse luontoa saatika s??t?.
On hupaisaa huomata miten v??rin ihmiset tulkitsevat monia asioita joita t?nne kirjoitan. Ja ihan oikeasti, ei se ole niin mustavalkoista! Jos kirjoitan pahalla p??ll? jostain syyst? sunnuntaina blogiin ett? vihaan sunnuntaita niin se on sit? juuri sill? sekunnilla, ei aina! T?m?n blogin nimi on just "mon private brainstorm" sen takia, ett? se on sen hetkist? aivomyrsky?! Huoh. Miten ihmiset oikeasti ovat itsekeskeisi?? Joku kuvittelee kaiken itsens? kautta - "Jaha Lotta kirjoittaa noin. "I had a nice weekend." Jaa, me emme n?hneet sin? viikonloppuna. Sen on oltava ollut siksi hyv?, argh kuinka h?n voi olla noin julma! What a bitch!" Eh? Onhan monta tapaa olla looginen, mutta joku roti. Ihan oikeasti. T?m? blogi on ajatusmyrsky jossa kerron suurimmaksi osaksi mit? olen touhuillut ja tehnyt, ajatuksiani. Suurimmaksi osaksi t?m? on tapa purata negatiivista ja positiivista. Yleisesti ottaen juuri negatiivista, v?symyst?, surua, stressi?, ajatuksia...Hetki?. HETKI?! Sitten joku tulee ja alleviivaa omaa l?rp?tyst?ni joka ei oikeasti ole niin vakavaa ja tulee ??rimm?isen turhaantunut olo. Ahdistunut olo. V?synyt olo. Kaivetaan rivien v?list? asioille piilotarkoituksia joita en ole piilottanut sinne. Minusta oikeasti luullaan aivan liikaa. Siit? millainen olen. V?lill? tuntuu, ettei l?heisimm?tk??n taida oikeasti tuntea minua. Ei n?k?j??n.
Ihan oikeasti, en min? pahaa kellekk??n halua. Ihan oikeasti. P?in vastoin. Joskus turhaankin teen t?it? ja en osaa sanoa ei, koska en halua, ett? minulle oltaisiin "vihaisia" tai ett? minuun p?in valutettaisiin yht?k??n negatiivista ajatusta. Sitten kun kehoitetaan tekem??n el?m?ss? valintoja ja keskittym??n asioihin jotka ovat t?rkeit?, suututaan. Teatterin hallitus. Kun siit? eroaa, se ei tiet??kseni tarkoita, ett? eroaa teatterista? Epa ja Hannakin ovat mukana toiminnassa, vaikka eiv?t ole _ikin?_ edes varmaan kuulleet, ett? ihan oikeasti meill? on hallitus. Miksi kaikesta, mit? teen jotkut ihmiset tekee ??rimm?isen henkil?kohtaista? Se on hyvin v?sytt?v??.
Minusta on hirve?n kiva ajatella toteuttavani omia p??t?ksi?ni jotka on tehty omilla kauniilla aivoillani. Se on niin v??rin? Helvetti sent??n. V?sytt??. Ehk? lopetan t?m?n koko saamarin blogin niin ei loukkaisi ket??n. KYLL? - Olen herkk? syyllist?miselle.
torstai, helmikuu 26, 2004 |
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Huoh. En ole hallitus-ihmisi�. En ole yhdistys-ihmisi�. T�ll� hetkell� en taida varsinaisesti kuulua mihink��n yhdistykseen vaikkakin olen toiminnassa mukana, saatika mihink��n hallitukseen - varsinkaan johtokuntaan. Liityin Muste teatteriin ihan vaan kun pyydettiin, ett� tulisin hallituksen j�seneksi. Vaikkakin olin vain j�sen, eli ei mit��n valtaa tai mit��n niin sain hirve�n stressin ja sen sellaista. Tuire j�tti hektisen ty�n takia puheenjohtajan pallin ja min� hektisen ty�n takia (kun samassa duunissa nyt ollaan) kaiken mahdollisen ylim��r�isen ei niin kiinnostavan niin saan kuulla eroavani Teatteri musteen johtokunnasta johon en ole tiet��kseni edes koskaan liittynyt tms. Siis HUOH. Miksi ei saa rauhassa ilman, ett� suututaan ja kettuillaan ja syyllistet��n, tehd� sit� mit� parhainten osaa - Eli esiinty�? Ja el��.
torstai, helmikuu 26, 2004 |
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T�n��n l��k�riss� kuultua; "Oikea korva - Huippu tason kuulo. Vasen - Tuotaah...oletko itse huomannut kenties jotain outoa?"
Ai olenko?
torstai, helmikuu 26, 2004 |
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keskiviikko, helmikuu 25, 2004
Jokseenkin v�synyt. T�iss� ollut mit� kiireisin p�iv� ja ulkona tulee r�nt��. Huoh. Aamu alkoi kurjasti. P��t� vihloi ja jomotti niin ett� levisi hampaisiin saakka. Piti vain ker�t� itsens� s�ngyst� ja nappailla pari tabua ja l�hte� t�ihin. Nopeasti ker�sin "Putket Hehkuu" roinat mukaani ja tajusin vasta puolen p�iv�n j�lkeen t�iss� mit� kaikkea olin unohtanut kotiin - knallin, sukkahousut (��rimm�isen t�rke� asia!) ja tekoripset. Hiljainen r�j�hdys p��ss� muistutti, ett� stressi on kuolemaan johdattava tunnetila. Pienen hetken panikoituani sain sukkahousut kollegalta jolla kaapissa aina varaparit mattaa ja kiilt�v��. Kiilt�v�t, kitosh. Viel� kun olisi ajellut s��ret niin avot. Mutta onpahan nyt glossy tightsit. Mutta ei ripsi� ja knallia. Ari repii mut palasiksi, l�hetin sille viestin ett� unohtuivat ja vastasi "Ok". Tod n�k saan hirveet haukut. Niit� jo pel�ten...
Niskat aivan jumissa. Eilen venyttelin etc. Mutta niin jumissa ett� juuri ja juuri voi hengitt��. Iina l�hetti �sken tekstarin ettei p��sekk��n pe sinne DBTL Openiin. Joten viulisti tila taas sama mik� alkupeliss�. Huoh. Nostin k�teni pystyyn ja siirsin vastuun nti. Eevalle joka tuli juuri suomeen. Turhapa siin� en�� mun on vatsahaavaa hankkia. Uhuhu Sigyn keikka j�nnitt��. Mietin, pit�isik� ottaa betasalpaaja vai p��t�nk� p�rj�t� ilman? Kermakakku ja pesto ei ollut kauhean j�rkev� valinta vatsaj�nnityskramppien pohjalle...�yh.
Huomenna ja ylihuomenna hirve�n aikaste her�tys. Huomenna aamulla l��k�rintarkastukseen. Voih. Argh. Pe taas 8.30 Anni tulee hakemaan mut ja menn��n Epan luokse harkkoihin. T�n��n pit�isi esiintymisen j�lkeen menn� pernoon hakemaan ja silitt�m��n etc esiitymiskamat perjantaille. Ja vatsa heitt�� volttia. Lauantainkin esitys j�nnitt��. Pitk�st� aikaa Svenskanille. Tuleekohan sit� p�iv�� kun t�m� j�nnitt�minen vain loppuu? Se on helpottunut siit� mit� se oli silloin 6-vuotiaana mutta siis...Ei ole ikin� hellitt�nyt. Omm Omm.
keskiviikko, helmikuu 25, 2004 |
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I can hardly wait Turku's medieval market this year!! And summer too. (its grey day. Hello spring time...)
keskiviikko, helmikuu 25, 2004 |
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Tuire (my boss) is having so called "name day" i dag. She have brought loads of goodies to work - crusta bread, pesto, etc etc. Our huge restroom table is full of delicious stuff to eat. Also one of our nurse ordered HUGE beautiful expensive delicous cake from bakery. Like, I was whining at the bus at morning that my paycheck will come at friday and I have no money for lunch today. That I'll die before the gig today. But now I feel like I cannot push anything down to my troath no more, cause Im so full. Heh. Yummy.
keskiviikko, helmikuu 25, 2004 |
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Kerroin viime viikolla yst�v�lleni kuinka joskus kerrassaan rakastan k�yd� elokuvissa yksin. Yksin. Tied�ttek�; Osta aakkosia, elokuvalippu, mene keskelle salia istumaan, laita k�nnykk� ��nett�m�lle ja nauti. Sitten YKSIN yhdelle oluelle sulattamaan elokuvaa. Ehk�p� jopa ravintolaan sy�m��n. Tarjoilija kysyy: "Tilaatteko jo vai odotatteko kenties seuraa?" ja kuullessaan vastauksen h�n hiljaa hymyillen korjaa p�yd�ll� olevat liiat aterimet ja lasit vaivihkaa pois. Kerroin t�st� yksin olemisen korostamisen luomasta nautinnosta ja sain naurut: "Lotta s� olet just sellainen. Istut kotona kissan kanssa ja katsot sex and the city� ja sy�t j��tel��"...T�n��n itse�ni sitten nauratti kun katsottuani hiuksia nostattavan 24 jakson k��nsin kolmoselle sinkkuel�m�n pariin. Samassa muistin pakasteessani IKUISUUKSIA olleen j��tel�n j�m�n ja nautiskelin sen kissa syliss� laiskanlinnassa viltin alla t�k�tt�en. Telkkari olisi pit�nyt vaan laittaa kiinni ja taakse Celine Dionin esitt�m�n� "all by myself" ja VOI KYYNEL ett� voisin lopettaa kokonaan yksin elokuvissa k�ymisen. Pit�isik� viel� nousta penkist� yl�s ja todeta olevansa anonyymi naisten roskakirjallisuuden aktiivikuluttaja? En tunnusta. Pojat, l�hdet��nk� mett�lle...
keskiviikko, helmikuu 25, 2004 |
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tiistai, helmikuu 24, 2004
ARGH! I wrote million word long blog awhile ago and went away from the computer for awhile...one of my work mate came to do something and lost it. ARGH! Im not going to wrote that brainstorm again. ARGH. ARGH.
tiistai, helmikuu 24, 2004 |
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lauantai, helmikuu 21, 2004
Sigh. I truly hate weekend this time. Its always save to spend days at work. Its spring outside. Few days and it will be winter again. Duh, live in Turku and if you dont like the weather, wait for a moment.
Serafina was supposed to come over for night. Girls night. Everything went quite messed up and Im still here and...Bwah. Im sure she'll hate me and never want to see me again.
Tomorrow we have this "Putket hehkuu"-rehersals at here in Barker also. Another side of it, thought. I do hate sundays. I need to make saturdays more enjoyable. Senni was trying to get me to her place to drink stuff that Tuomas bought from M�nchen. No no I said. I need to be feeling good tomorrow.
Where's Epa now? I wonder...Im very stressed about that DBTL Open thingie and also about the Putket Hehkuu gig in Sigyn next wednesday. Why in earth all the stuff always stuck in to one or few days? Heheh. And also searhing that apartment and need time for that too...Only thought that is keeping me going on like a train is thought of traveling in summer. Montpelier, Dublin and Europe! I scream: "Im comming!" and it shouts back: " Come and get me!"
lauantai, helmikuu 21, 2004 |
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perjantai, helmikuu 20, 2004
I updated Saaga's pages.
Friday. Interesting. Sunny outside. I have so much going in my head that I dont really have time to put it down here. But its warm outside and migrane is making my work day long long long...
perjantai, helmikuu 20, 2004 |
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torstai, helmikuu 19, 2004
Im going to start this like I've done ages: Oh What a day.
It was sunny at morning. Cold -15 but no wind which made weather sparkling and nice. Gotta love winter when there is no icy sea breeze. At work its been such a day full of long phonecalls around to get something clear with this mad DBTL Open contest thingie. Epa is at the middle of Slovagia. She dont keep her mobile open. Just send me an email and said "Get everyone together". I hope it would be that easy, to arrange rehersals just like that for everyone. Kaisa is having study vacation atm, Iina is with baby and Tero is in army. Anni is working and Im working too. Epa send me email that arrange rehersals at wednesday 25.2 - But the deal is that we are having "Putket Hehkuu" gig at Sigyn at that night. Which means that we have to have this rehersals (ONLY REHERSALS BEFORE THE SHOOT) at afternoon between 15-18 or after our gig which is at night 20-> ... Anni luckily gets away from work at 14.30 already. I have my work day til 18.00 but I think I can arrange it. Shite. Epa comes back to Finland at tuesday. And these problems with friday when da shooting is at the studio...We have to be at soundcheck at 11-12am. Then I go to work. Then we have to be at the studio at 15.00 and shooting starts at 16.00. I think I take the day off? Eh. Argh. Anni cannot go to her boyfriends vow to the armybase at Helsinki. She's so pissed off. Kaisa had to cancel her night driving lesson. I have to take days off. Iina has trouble of getting a babysitter and her husband is coming to turku at friday but they have so much plans and...Shite. Tero is at army so I had to ask from Anni straight away cause Tero is at the moment in the forrest middle of nowhere where we cannot locate him or tell the news. Hii-o-Hoy. Sigh. Now Im like a God who decide the song (well everyone thinks about weak. I have to play drumms in it at telly. NO! ARGH!) and rehersal time. I hate to do this stuff, which Im good to arrange but I hate the little piece of stress that it gives me.
it is like a druck. It make me feel so alive.
torstai, helmikuu 19, 2004 |
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keskiviikko, helmikuu 18, 2004
Sunny day and I feel like bursting to pieces. I cannot understand this day - I came to work to hear that I'll get off in two hours. So which means that I've been free from work for 2 hours, but Im waiting to see my boss, I have loads of stuff to talk about with her. But, its like free day! Next time I have something to do is like in 6pm or soemthing. I have this day all for myself. Yeah!
keskiviikko, helmikuu 18, 2004 |
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tiistai, helmikuu 17, 2004
Vihaa sit� s��t�, saatana.
Huokaus. Ei voi muuta sanoa. Aamulla kylm� tienpintaan takertuva j�inen tihku paiskoi kasvoja vasten ja nyt ikkunasta n�kyy r�nt�verhoa. Eilen paistoi aurinko. Tuijottelen monitoria ja kuuntelen kahvihuoneesta kantautuvaa naurua. Ei paljoa naurata. Eilen paistoi aurinko.
Onhan se toki kiva, ett� sementti edustaja toi pullaa. Kahviakin on. Maistuu...ja eilen paistoi aurinko. Ilma tuoksui kev��lt�. Katselin kuin aurinko laski punaisten pilvien syleilyyn joen yll�. Kaskenkatu oli liukas ja ei tarvinnut edes k�vell�, kunhan seisoi niin, ett� pysyi pystyss�; tie vei. Huhuh. Niin v�synyt, ett� silm�t saa juuri ja juuri pysym��n j�rkev�n auki tulitikkujen kanssa. Ilman menee ihan urheilun puolelle. Kahvi ei auta. Ulkona sataa j��t�. Eilen paistoi aurinko. Mit�p� siin� valittamaan kun Yev l�hetti montpelierist� (johon hienosti kotiutunut woo!) emailia, ett� kirsikkapuut kukkii ja s�iv�t eilen terassilla. Yep. Jokseenkin turhan tympe��, kun yli puolet t�iss� lomalla. P�iv�t on pitki� vaikka periaatteessa leikkauksia ei ole hirve�sti esimerkiksi t�n��n. Mutta koska niit� ei ole paljon, ne tehd��n h-i-t-a-a-s-t-i koska ei ole mik��n kiire ... ja t�ten aika kuluu hirve�n puuduttavasti eteenp�in. Eilen esimerkiksi muistan tulleeni t�ihin ja seuraavan kerran katsoin kelloa nelj�n maissa. Tzip tzip tsip p�iv� meni vauhdilla. T�n��n minuutit eiv�t tikit� eteenp�in ei sitten mill��n.
I miss Berlin. I want to go to travel. Tuulia went to Madeira yesterday. Epa left to east europe in last friday (wien, prague, budapest etc.) ... Im still here even thought I can hardly stay in one place. Gosh. I'de love to leave.
tiistai, helmikuu 17, 2004 |
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maanantai, helmikuu 16, 2004
You can find my lyrics again online. Slowly but nicely I get everything back together and online...
maanantai, helmikuu 16, 2004 |
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What a nice weekend I've had. Now sitting front of computer in this cold cold office of mine...Drinking hot delicious tea and relaxing. Spend a day visiting Mum (and watching videos there, been too busy to watch telly home, so she recorded me last 24 episode!) and after that met Eka. We had nice few hours of chatting. She's now lentosotamies Ahlamo. She's doing good at army and Im so proud of her. Yay!
Saturday was also nice. First before show I went to eat with Petrus. I was bursting to pieces when I was at theather but somehow I got myself feeling hungry after show. Perhaps it was cause of very enertic and perfect act we've had so far. Damn that we have this over week "ski"vacation and theather is closet and which means - I have a huge problem of sparetime! ;) We'll it wont be a big deal, cause lotsa friends that live in other cities studying have returned to Turku to spend their ski holidays with their family. Im so eager to meet Pirkko co. after LONG LONG WHILE! Pirkko was even watching s�ngen i sj�l� yesterday. She even bought a ticket. Didnt know that I could get her personal ticket which is quite cheaper, but so it goes...Then after act I had a sauna and relaxed drinking one beer and getting myself ready for dinner med friends. I met Mikko&Anni and we had such a time. Its been awhile since we really spend quality time together, relaxing dinner with LOTSA FOOD (to tummy which was already full of pizza but feeling hungry. Im tiny but I can eat like a horse. Or the horse. Ha. Gee.) ... chinese. Chicken...good! After good dinner I could hardly even walk. I was so full that some ppl that dont know me could have thought that Im pregnant or something. Slowly we went to have a after dinner drinks to El Pasolino. I was so full that it took me an hour to get that delicious icy gintonic inside me. Then home to sleep and I slept like a baby (which is quite unusual for me these days, I've seen those dreams that destroys my nights!) ...
Today I bought some sand for cat. For myself I bought chocolate bar, peach nectar (Adoration!) and fresh warm bread which has some blue cheece in it. YUMMY! Ah. I think Im turning hedonistic at weekends. Now Im waiting for one of my favorite sunday tv series and then extreme sleep. Work day ahead but Im sure it will not be as shitty as it was in last friday.
maanantai, helmikuu 16, 2004 |
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perjantai, helmikuu 13, 2004
sigh. still work and feeling quite afwul. Did I get tummy flu from work now? Shite.
perjantai, helmikuu 13, 2004 |
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I feel ill.
13th Friday. What a hectic work day and its aint over yet...
perjantai, helmikuu 13, 2004 |
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torstai, helmikuu 12, 2004
Sigh. Year ago this day was sunny. I was standing at marketplace with mother and looking around just to see a peek of a truck where Senni including her glassmates (which some are my good friends indeed). It was cold. After it we went to Koulu to have a coffee (and Senni drank a beer). Then I went to home to get a nap and then to Majakkaranta to Senni's glassmates party and oh boy that night - I was sober til morning, but hell yeah we had fun! Sigh. Sigh. How time fly. Im getting very sentimental ...
torstai, helmikuu 12, 2004 |
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Oh dear, dark grey day and really really cold one. But da weatherman said that it will be get warmer 'til afternoon and tomorrow we have like +2. Live in souther Finland and if you dont like the weather wait for hour or two...It keeps circling between springish and winterish weather all the time - SCREW that, Im going home *Leaving the building and running towards Kajaani*...
We got our new kitchen today to work! Our beautiful red and blue pillows on our sofa and our chairs with new coolest covers. Our work community have been thinking of doing something about our kitchen area for some time and now its ready, its so comfy and stylish...If I take a picture and put it here you would never quess that its in hospital operation theather area...Ha! But it makes me oh so sappy, bright red pillows on our new cool sofa. Coffee and jokes. Gotta love it.
Haha, Im reading my daily blogs and found funny link from Tyrak's blog. Be my anti-valentine. Such a hilarious bunch of "anti-valentine" cards...Haha. And I must copy a cute poem which also was in his blog (If I ever do my own cards Im going to use this one!):
Roses are red
Violets are blue
All of my base
Are belong to you
X) )
torstai, helmikuu 12, 2004 |
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What goes on in the dark...
Cannot get sleep. Just playing with photos of Somebody and making fun of his cute pawns...I need to put these picture sets online again someday. He's "Let's kill Lotta over Sheba" pictureshow was a success. He's a rising star of cat world. There is no return. (He must get a girl friend, cause soon he has no dick and then life have stole all the signs of manhood away from him - no tail, no dick.) IM TIRED. Leave me be, ignore my stupid babling about my CUTE pet. This dirty little mouth of mine is making all sound so grose. Urgh. I just hate myself.
What a long day. Came home before ten. After it I've just spend time front of telly drinking tea and eating potato salad. Im wearing two woolshirt cause its so cold. My windows are letting too much freezing night air inside. I need to sleep with 3 blankets. Its something like -20 decrees there. Brr. But gotta love the sunshine at days! It makes one so enertic and you just feel like you can do anything.
I just watched DW. There was a clip of Bush having a speech. I just cannot watch him more than minute cause I just get so annoyed that I could mash something. Do he watch himself on the mirror while he rehersal those speeches? Those long brakes between sentences...gentle lift of eyebrow - its all so rehersaled. Really. He's like doing a bad comedy show. Which reminds me...
I found a picture of myself. Not really old one. Its from autumn. September or something.
Blue moon...humdidum. I think I go bath in moonbeams and get some rest which is all I need! Tomorrow I have a long darn work day and theather show after it. It means - not home until midnight. Bwahah. Schaisse.
torstai, helmikuu 12, 2004 |
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keskiviikko, helmikuu 11, 2004
Even thought I dont have able to hear anything via work computers, this flash clip is just death hilarious : I LOVE DEATH. Check it out and laugh.
I dont usually keep my phone close to me at work, but today I do cause Im waiting for very important phonecall from bank and hospital. Suddenly my cellphone started to make noise and I answered and it was (what a time for a phonecall dude!) Eric! I havent heard about him since he left back to his home in Leeds. Few months already. He wanted just to say "hi!" (seems like its todays THE thing to do - say hi.) and find out that Im oki and so on. We didnt even talk for a minute. He was also at work and feeling quite bored and I was in the middle of collegues speaking english and blushing (about the fact that I had phone with me, argh.) ... Heheh. But it was nicey.
Gosh, Im really worried that am I getting this strange kind of cold which ppl have had around here for few weeks. Influenza is already went by and I dont have to worry about it, but this is really something I dont understand. I have headache and its hard to even stand. I feel week and like falling down all the time. Urgh.
I should run to get some important papers from hospitals administration building. Which means I have to go outside. With my work clothes. Its freezing. Bloody hell.
keskiviikko, helmikuu 11, 2004 |
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In north -30 degrees celcius. Here like half of it, -15 to -20 and sunny. It makes my hearth sing. But still, cold. Today I really hurried to work. Mum called me at 8am. I woke up at 7.30am but went back to bed for a moment. Well mum called and then she said that "I'll call you back in fife minutes so you can gather yourself and get up"...She called me 8.55am when I was already been up for 10 manical minutes repeating "Im going to be so late" for all of that time. Men hurray - I was at work 10minutes before than my shift have even started! Another loud Hurray for me. Eek - gotta go, work work. (I would love to leave and just wonder those sunny streets of ?bo!)
keskiviikko, helmikuu 11, 2004 |
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tiistai, helmikuu 10, 2004
I re-did and put online i me and myself pages...
tiistai, helmikuu 10, 2004 |
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This is the day, when ones should be out walking around breathing sunrays inside themselves. Im full of energy when I watch outside, light is amazing. I cannot hardly wait for the summer. My work room (Office? heheh) is closet without windows and I truly would happily walk around the city today even thought its cold - ITS SUNNY!! Oh well...
Today I try to get away from the work before 5pm, cause I really need to visit at "Turun Seudun Vuokran v�litys" and ask about that apartment at Kaskenkatu. That would be dreamy place to live.
Tomorrow again long day at work. What a week, why does everyone are sick when I would like to spend time at home? I've been btw reading and studying today too - Practical swedish for hospitals. Argh. Jag kan inte tala svenska och jag har en stor stress!
tiistai, helmikuu 10, 2004 |
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It is such a perfect day...Sunny and so on. And I have to work inside. Darn.
tiistai, helmikuu 10, 2004 |
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maanantai, helmikuu 09, 2004
I never, I mean really, never saw any nightmares until I was something like 15 years old. After that I havent seen any in ages until last night. I woke up few times all covered by cold sweat and my back was aching so much. I feel so tired. Long work day I'll have and Im already feeling like I could sleep forever even thought its just 1pm. Blimey. I have sundays, but I must admit that mondays are even worst. It was better when I saw some sun after ages, but it faded away very quickly and it started to snow again. Sun is already warming up ... I cannot hardly even wait for summer. Someone have bring Mondo (cool hippy traveling magazine) here to coffee room and I was reading it and felt like Im going to lose my mind if I dont get myself on the road. Trip to Berlin made my heart eagerly grieve for going around. Its not just that easy to leave alone ...
Weekend went very fastly. Friday I was working and then I saw Senni and later at night Epa. We had "house warming party" in her new van (VW -85 Diesel). Some champange and Wigwam & Queen in candle light. Hehe, all the people who had nightly walk with their dogs where really wondering what in earth is going on in that van. Then I came home and watched telly and relaxed, Sauna etc. Before that I falled down on my door step and grashed my tailbone (which I broke 5 years ago and its still achy from time to time) again and I still cannot move well. Fuck if I want to give birth to a child someday naturally Im really scared getting my lower bones in pieces all over again. ;) Saturday I spend in bed and watching telly. Then I fastly met Eka and we went to eat something before I had to go to theather. I gave her two tickets and she and her mother came to watch the show that night. I was feeling so weak before the meal and it gave me my powers back. At theather energy was higher than in ages. Show went very well. After it our director and musical director say us few words (which was frusturating cause it took an hour...) and we hurried to Sauna!! :D It was so great. Perfect sauna in the middle of ?bo svenska teatter in Hansa kortteli. Woah.
End of the night went very fine too, even thought I was death tired and my lower back was aching so much that it was hard to breath from time to time. I slept some and got up early. Then went to Raisio to granma's bday. After it saw Sera quickly - she brought me some cat food which her cat wont eat. Also two silly toys which Somebody adores and cat's candy.
Then watched telly and went to sleep. Saw nightmares and woke up. Came to work. Bwah. Boring.
maanantai, helmikuu 09, 2004 |
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perjantai, helmikuu 06, 2004
Weekend baby - tomorrow a s�ngen i sj�l� which Eka is coming to watch. Now I'll first meet Senni before she goes to her sauna party and then Epa after her work. Plans where going to Mylly but Im still at work and way too tired. Duh duh duh. Argh.
perjantai, helmikuu 06, 2004 |
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En tajua miten ihmiset voivat olla niin saatanan mustavalkoisia from time to time - Ja mustasukkaisia. Ja vainoharhaisia. Sitten yritt�� siin� olla kun mik��n ei mene perille niin, ett� uskottaisiin sanaakaan. P�� levi��. Toisaalta, nostan k�teni yl�s. Samapa tuo, ei ole minun vikani jos on liian vilkas mielikuvitus tai hapero usko toisiin ihmisiin.
perjantai, helmikuu 06, 2004 |
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torstai, helmikuu 05, 2004
Its been such a day at work. 3 person working with me who just came from nowhere to help us for today. I was at coffee with one of 'em, a woman who is from Iisalmi and know ppl that lived in our old house in Sukeva before us. Gosh, world is a very very tiny place to be.
I have S�ngen i sj�l� idag. J�tte Bra! :D Well well...Glad to see folks again and be on stage. Then today its friday and weekend is ahead. Sun is shining outside after few very rainy days. I adore it. I feel so enertic and powerful. I've been enjoying my work today a lot. I've calmed down and really concentrated to all of the things I do. Plasing sheets on the operation table slowly and nicely and so on. Very zenistic way to work today! But its been great.
Oh yeah.
torstai, helmikuu 05, 2004 |
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keskiviikko, helmikuu 04, 2004
Oh what a day again. Long operations and head is feeling like trainstation with loads of trafic I can hardly handle. Weather is fucked up. Bye bye winter and snow. Welcome water and rain. Also the fact that its warm now after week of cold weather and they said that it will be cold again tomorrow - slippery. I want to go and test drive my granny's new car, but hey - I DONT want to get myself killed.
keskiviikko, helmikuu 04, 2004 |
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tiistai, helmikuu 03, 2004
After being a bit air headed its good to talk about important things like work. Tuire started to talk about me that I perhaps get a "m??r?ys" to be here 'til end of the year!! And perhaps my salary jumps ups one hunred euros. Maybe. MAYBE. But that would be QUITE nice. Hump. Other thing is my temper. I hate the fact that when Im hurt and cannot say anything back cause its hurting so much, my temper gets over and I start to throw things or then I hit myself or something. And I hate it. Its happend few times and only few persons can get myself so messed. Argh. And I feel again that "Ei mussa mit??n hyv?? oo"...
tiistai, helmikuu 03, 2004 |
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Im too tired. Its late and I just used all my money to pay rent and bills and there's still few bills unpaid. Fucked. Also my other earing is missing, the one I bought from Berlin and havent use any others since. I noticed that I slept 'em on (which I dont usually do) but it wasnt anywhere, I checked the whole building (before I vacuumed fastly before 10pm where silence begin.) ... But I have a theory. Its Somebody. He's been pissed off about me not bying any Sheba (cat next door always gets some!) and he stole it and will drop it to my morning coffee - I swallow it and die. Yep. I know. He's plannit all. He carry my beautiful earing in his little furry pawn til morning light. Fuck that cat. He's sleeping there on the sofa while Servo is screaming on the telly, and he's looking so innocent, but hell, I know what he's up to. Damn those cats, they think they rule the whole world!
Oh. Too tired to go to shower. At morning then. Nighty nite.
tiistai, helmikuu 03, 2004 |
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maanantai, helmikuu 02, 2004
I indeed miss Summer. Also that day was perfect. Summer summer summer...
maanantai, helmikuu 02, 2004 |
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Oh Im sappy and happy and going strong, but strange thing is that my eyes are tired, even thought my body and soul aint! Im feeling very good but eyes are sore and I could close them down and that's about it what I need to get myself falling asleep. I dont understand. Maybe my contact lenses are finally making their deal to my eyes or then again it can be about me staring so much tv lately. I dont know.
Weekend was stormy. Saturday it was snowing like never before. Like in news they said that it snowed as much than usually in whole february in finland. Im glad I dont own a car. I was praying and sweating yesterday while being at Ari's car (and he drived madly) and while thinking Epa going around with her new Volkswagen van (diesel, takavetoinen - huhuh.) ! But we are all alive and going strong. Or then Im just dreaming, I wake up at my warm comfy bed, Somebody sleeping on my back and purring. Its summer and all this winter and so on was just a big long dream. Ah. That would be dandy.
Yesterday it was fun to go thought "Putket Hehkuu" neoswing musical songs after Long long long long time! Tibet Boogie, In the mood, Hit the road Jack and Viilee niinku tiilee was very nice to sing together with gals even thought we didnt really remember anything about the dances. But we did something and plainly just had good time. Anni is very good pianist and Drummer-who's-name-i-cannot-remember was very very good too. Yeps.
Saturdays theather show went well. It was a lot more enertic than we had in wednesday. Songs where more clear and we all were more listening what was going on. All thought audience was stood in silence for ages after final scenes. It would have been interesting to just wait in darkness how long it takes to get 'em realise that its over and its ok to clap ones hand together...But quite soon actors rushed to stage and they put lights one and ppl started to clap. I think end went so well that they just stood there thinking "Oh what the fuck ..." ;)) Otherwise saturday was nice and dandy. Lotsa fun time, even thought I didnt really sleep, but they Sunday is doomed always to be gloomy. Duh?
Sigh. Long long day at work ahead, thoughts are circeling around.
Im thinking so much nowadays. Life. My own life. My decitions. My future. I need to learn to be more me. Say no to thinks I dont want to do. Do the things I've always dreamed about. What is against me? Well, I hate to be feeling afraid all the time. Afraid to dream, afraid to do cause I always makes ppl sad and pissed off. Well not many ppl just few and after getting 'em pissed my life always turn to misery. Im getting so frusturated that its driving me grazy. I need to do something about it. Im so young but still not that young. I need to do things now or then I realize I have no time to argue about time. Ppl are keeping me in one place even thought this is the time I should do everything I want. Go around. Enjoy all the changes life gives me. I dont know...I've been talking about this so much with Mum and ppl. About studying. About moving (alone or roommate?), doing all the projects I've always wanted to be part of. Argh. Messy head, messy head.
I dont want to feel bad about myself all the time. Im like "I dont have anything good in me" all the time. Its the thing I hear so much. How selfish I am. How I dont think other ppl's feeling. Still it feels like Im doing things to make others happy so what the fuck? I always bend to others wishes, finally. So I dont know what to think. Illusion of being real? I feel bad to dream about things that I know that will make someone else mad. :/ It makes me weak.
Back at 'puter. I start to think that why in earth I let ppl make me feel bad about myself. I do things like normal people do, and about something someone gets mad and I get paid about it. "Cause you did this, you have to see that cause I dont like you doing so, you have to feel very bad by me". Is it real way to be?
Why do I even have to think anything like this in life. Cause I've heard the answer - Im bad person. Ei mussa mit??n hyv?? oo...
Huhuh. Voisko sit? seota kun ajattelee ihan liikaa.
maanantai, helmikuu 02, 2004 |
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