MMS Blog (In Finnish)
LJ - prideandjoy

lauantai, marraskuu 30, 2002

Niin ovat monet meist� laivoja...I miss sea. I miss sailing. I miss summer. I miss summer breeze and the feeling it me feel. I wish sound of water hitting next to boat. I miss the smell of wind. I miss the feeling of freedom and untouched sparks of happiness. I miss the green of beautiful little islands I use to visit. I miss the boldness of forrest next to Korholanm�ki. I miss color of night at midsummer when I sat in Saluuna and listen Janis Joplin and wrote long letters to friends back in Turku. I miss feeling of being extremely in moment. Here and now. Where am I atm?
lauantai, marraskuu 30, 2002 | | |

I wish I have time to sleep before I die ;)
Its cold and beautiful outside. Opening night went well and we partied like an animals. Thursday was just full of dark hangover. Yesterdays gig went very very well! Local news papers culture journalist where there too and I hope he'll write extremely good thing about it on the paper. He was excited, I can tell. "You are the music show in turku atm!", "Better than Turku Uusi Teatteri!" etc etc. and cutest was "I wonder that why they do popstars and what so ever, you three chicks have more than any Gimmel"...Gotta run. Choir rehersals at 15.00, 17.00 I have to be at marina, 19.00 I have a show and after it I go to Tuulia's xmas party. I just stop by, I have a early wake up cause I have first gig at medieval Xmas market at 12 (and 14) and we start to work those songs at 8am at Epa's place. I wonder when will I have time to relax and sleep? Im terrified about the fact that I have gig tomorrow at marketplace...its cold! Brrr...
lauantai, marraskuu 30, 2002 | | |

Oh yes.

'the only people for me are the mad ones,
the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk,
mad to be saved, desirous of everything at
the same time, the ones who never yawn or
say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn,
burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles
exploding like spiders across the stars...'

-jack kerouac
Im tired.
lauantai, marraskuu 30, 2002 | | |

Uuh. Show after show. We are famous! Oh yeah baby!
lauantai, marraskuu 30, 2002 | | |

sunnuntai, marraskuu 24, 2002

Sigh. Next bus to city leave at 14.10...There are days when I truly hate to live here so far from Turku, but hey...Im quite tired. My eyes are sore. Antero called me and woke me up at morning. After it I watched finnish soap "Salatut El�m�t" cause our director has a part in it (his first episode came out this week) and I got a huge laughs watching him being like he is in nature...his character is so similar. Father called me last night. He bought new semi-acoustic guitar. Also he heard that I have this "stress injury" at my throath. Doctor said that well try to be quiet, do not sing and drink hot tea etc. Haha. Yeah rrright. Anyway, its been ages since my father got a moment to be a real dad. We are more friends now. Or something. Somehow I was so tired and close to crashing down yesterday and he heard it from my voice and so on. He gave a lot of support and good advices. I longed everyone at north so much that I almost bursted to tears. Dad have done music his whole life so he knew what he is talking about. Sigh.

Ok, I go now. To store and then I'll catch bus to city. Long long day ahead. I will kill Petri if he have forgot to write his material for handprogramme again. Grrr!
sunnuntai, marraskuu 24, 2002 | | |

What a day.
Im so tired that I feel like Im going to puke. Last 2 pages and back cover is left to do. I'll finish 'em tomorrow. I've been working very hard today. Even thought Im death tired and had rehersals and hangover hehe...GOSH. I want to scream. I have no voice left and my throath is sore...
sunnuntai, marraskuu 24, 2002 | | |

perjantai, marraskuu 22, 2002

New monitor. I'll tell more about yesterday when I have time. Im quite busy now. But but - they call from printing and said that posters and flyers are ready and "They look damn good!" :)) Im proud. Hopefully I also think that they are looking good when I see 'em...Anyway, cover, page1 and page2 are ready and now I take a brake, go to store, then clean and vacuum here, do dishes, shower and If I have time before my quest starts to arrive I'll do more work. Today Im going to relax a bit. After 23.00 we go to city and have few drinks at Apteekki, possibly. Then back home - sleep and rehersals. Hanna is there too. yay! Then back home to work 'til sunday's rehersals. And no photo session in sunday - which took a loads of stress away from my shoulders.

JP's monology play "Duuni" was great. I always forgot how much I love theather. It was thing which I had always when I was a kid...grandad Mikko was an amateur actor (he acted in few old finnish movie also!) and granma was working as background help and so on at Iisalmi city theather. She was working in library, so she gave a passion for reading. I remember all those great plays at theather. How I saw Cabaret like thousand time and loved it. I was like 6years old. Sigh...

Then I got my huge book yesterday! Magnificent univers by Ken Crosswell. Its beautiful! Then I got new monitor, but I had wrong kind of cables. I thought whole day through that I'll work at night then. And when it hidded me I dropped myself on the floor and didnt know should I cry or laugh. I decided to laugh like a mad man. Then I went to sleep and woke up at 7am today and waited for new cables 'til 10am. Now I've been quite busy whole day and feeling that everything will go just fine! Yesh! :)
perjantai, marraskuu 22, 2002 | | |

torstai, marraskuu 21, 2002

Im waiting for Korte. Whole day and got nothing done. Stress? Well yeah. I get new monitor tonight after play Im going to go to see...(If we ever get there, cause Korte is LATE!) Anyway. Which means that I'll work at night, sleep a bit, wake and clean, go to shop things for party and work some more 'til ppl arrives here. Sigh.
torstai, marraskuu 21, 2002 | | |

SCREAMING TO THE WIND!
torstai, marraskuu 21, 2002 | | |

THIS is what I've done today so far. My monitor is crashing down, I woke up to work at 7am and now I cannot do my work anyway...fuck these oh-so-great-machines...Anyway, I've posted that one to printing and I'll shut down the computer for 20mins and start to do this programme thingie. Hopefully without monitor problems. Sigh. Busy busy. These scans I got are totally scrappy and still HUGE ones. Bohoo.
torstai, marraskuu 21, 2002 | | |

Good morning. Last night I was so tired that I went to sleep before 1am and decided to get up at 7am to work poster and start to do that programme also...I saw funny dreams. About summer nights, spring days when sun start to warm...I woke up 7am (at that point I was dreaming that its 9am and I've sleeped too long), so dark so dark and outside - Drifts of snow! Yes, it was snowing A LOT last night, but result is bigger than I realised. Its beautiful. So beautiful. Ok ok. A loads of work to do. Cup of coffee. Goddamn this computer room of mine is made of stone and its always so goddamn gold! Brrr! GOSH!
torstai, marraskuu 21, 2002 | | |

keskiviikko, marraskuu 20, 2002

What a rehersals. What a stress. What a weather.
keskiviikko, marraskuu 20, 2002 | | |

Yesterday was nice. Free day. Long sleep. Didnt sleep so well than last night, thought. I havent feel this fresh in ages! I went to see movie Steven Soderbergh's Full Frontal, which was...intresting. I do liked it, it had some great moments and great work of acting. Good twist of black humor and so on, but...it wasnt Great. After movie I went to have one pint to Apteekki. It was almost empty. I had jolly time sitting there alone and thinking deals of nonesense. Then I took last bus to home.

Anyway, I had meeting before the movie with Eija and Tuire and we planned program. I got the job. I'll do the "hand programme" for musical. Desing and layot. I have time 'til sunday, but I'll add last pictures at monday (we take more at sunday when dear Hanna back and at rehersals also) just before we send it to printing. Gosh! I've never done anything this huge, well yes some webpages, but its not same thing at all. Im very ambitious and full of enthusiasm. But - my calendar...:
Today - I did the flyers what we send to print tomorrow. 5pm Musical rehersals which ends at 9pm or something. There I'll get all the material for my work. Most of the pictures and texts. Possibly one beer and then home to work.
Thursday - I almost forgot that I have this day! I was living it inside my head already. Free free free! So which means that I woke up early and work for whole day. At night I'll go to see JP's "Duuni" to Turku city theater with Korte at 7pm. I think Im free at 9pm. Mum will drive me to home (she have clean clothes for me so I'll get 'em at the same) and I'll work some more.
Friday - Early wake up. Work and then I have to clean, go to the store to get some goodies and clean this apartment a bit. After 6pm quests start to arrive and I'll have a little housewarming party. The plan is that we go to city to party some more with last bus after 11pm. I dont know about this (at my point) anymore cause...
Saturday - Early wake up. I have to be at rehersals at 11.00. Which means. Up at 8.30am. Shower, running to bus before ten o'clock. Real rehersals starts at 5pm. We go trought whole musical. Hanna is also there. Yeah! After being away at Barcelona for whole week (and she is one of the lead actors)...Rehersals ends after or a bit before 9pm. Long day. Then to home. Work.
Sunday - Work and rehersals at 4pm. Which means that I have to be there at 3pm getting myself ready: make up, dressing, wig, microphone...Some pictures about "chick choir" (me, Epa and Hanna) for programme. Some other pictures also. Im free at 'bout 8-9pm. After one beer perhaps I'll return to home to work some more.
Monday - I get final pictures, add 'em and send whole package in some way to printing. Drunk my head full (stress releasing *just joking*) after rehersals. ;-) (which is free to friends. Its just "going trough whole show" evening.)
Tuesday - One day to opening. We have one real show (kenraali esitys) for people who work in Marina Palace. They will dress at 40-50's style and after the show we will have a great meal. expectation is high. They are waiting for spektacular spektacular show. Im going to shoot my head on the wall. Eek. *Achy tummy*
Wednesday - Im sure I'll catch no sleep so...Whole day full of trembling, swearing, achy tummy and sweaty hands. Shaking voice, panic with wig and tights. Falce lashes will not work and glue is working funnilly. Microphone tape will not stay at the cheek and batteries run out just before the show. All this and more. Then the grand opening. Then the grand release. "Did it go well?" "Goddamn I didnt remember my lines!!" and then we all are partying like an animals 'til morning glory, speaking how fab everyone where, how we love each others and how we will do this better every time!
Thursday - Hang over. Physical and hopefully not mental and moral. Haha. Reading from paper that we sucked. ;))

This is my 7days from this day. Im not sure about next week, but I think all those will happen. Haha. Ok...now to cook.
keskiviikko, marraskuu 20, 2002 | | |

WORK, WORK and work...I'll write more later.
keskiviikko, marraskuu 20, 2002 | | |

tiistai, marraskuu 19, 2002

There is no muscle which aint hurting. Woke up moment ago when Eija called and we made apointment for 17.00. My hands are so achy that I cannot move 'em! Sumatra swing almost four times at row yesterday...gosh.
tiistai, marraskuu 19, 2002 | | |

Wig, pink muff, make up and dress. High voice and show must go on. Tomorrow first and only free day in age. Horrored about saturdays 11am-8pm(or a lot over) rehersals. Or sundays. or next tuesday we have da show for marina palace ppl and in wednesday opening. FUCK the fake star, Im losing my mind.

Tired as hell. Tomorrow I'll sleep. Wash my underwear and tights I use in musical, also take care of shoes and do something to that wig If I can...
Haha btw, after rehersals wig was on me so well that I didnt want to take it a way (it was so well placed and pinned on my head) before Im home and I can use shower...so I didnt took away my falce lashes, contact lenses, wig and make up. Of course I changed my regular clothing on and then off I went to Apteekki with pals. Pekka was off duty and I dont remember what he said but when he came from toilets he just standed next to me, stared silently. He said something about good taste haha. Anyway, that wig is so cute. I saw some pictures we took yesterday and there was some really good ones! I didnt know that I have so wide and adorable smile! really when I usually smile or see myself from mirror I never have that on! I seem like Im truly enjoying everything I do. God I want some of those pictures for myself. Eija promised to make copies from some of those, which I liked. Aaanyway. Also we did dance with Jere, everything went well. Im sure our duo-dance thingies will go just fine next week. We just need to be more sure of what we are doing. He cutted his grunge style hair to "Bechamn"-do and we made it look like horse hair or something. Well you have to see it. haha. Anyway, goddamn I love all those guys. New pals which I have around. New musicans who are in the band are I start to get know slowly. I love to do that, even thought I hate when ppl are late, I hate when there are this amateur way of doing things...With these dancers and some of ppl in that group. Sometimes I feel like going in the middle of the stage and scream out loud "Perkele!!11". But Im usually person who try to create good mood by being total clown, joking, making fun of everything (mostly of myself) or just go around talking with ppl who I see that are neourvous about something or just pissed off. I go around saying to ppl that they do good work and "Hey that just looked great!", "the way you do that and that last time was _the_ way!"...This project is a lot (A LOT) ambitious than Tommy. We have time, and in a way we dont have time at all. Dont know then.

I have free day tomorrow (or today). Whole finland is covered by clouds, I have my phone turned as loud as possible. Leonids. Huge storm. Last change to see in 100 years. And I live in Finland. ZHR here is between 500-3500. In USA at some place its like 10.000...And also...funny ha-ha...In november we usually have these lovely weathers with rain, fog and so on. How I love it. We where planning to take car and hunt one opening cloud hole wish is moving towards Joensuu-Kuopio, but when I checked last time - whole Finland is covered with clouds. ARGH.
Gotta go off now. Monitor is feeling snappy again, I need some tea and silence. I shut down the computer, concentrate listening sound of rain. This disturbance and noise which is around me while Im at rehersals are making me losing my mind. There are times when you just love plain silence or music of the raindrops, when they hit to the windows. Good night.
tiistai, marraskuu 19, 2002 | | |

sunnuntai, marraskuu 17, 2002

En jaksa nyt �� englantia. Vastaisinkos suomeksi. Joo.

1) Describe, in your own words, beauty.
Kaikki mik� koskettaa ja her�tt�� jollain tasolla jotain tunteita.

2) Describe, in your own words, the difference between loving and being in love.
Rakastaminen on turvallisempaa kuin olla rakastunut. Rakastuneena ihminen on my�s aika lailla hormoonien ja monenlaisten tunteiden viet�v�n�, taas rakastaminen on enemm�n stabiili mutta my�skin ehk� lopulta jopa uhrautuvaisempaa. Tajusin juuri, etten osaa selitt�� ideaani lyhyesti.

3) Do you believe coincidences have meaning?
Kyll�.

4) Do you ever plan to have children? If so, how many?
n/a

5) Do you fear death?
En tippaakaan.

6) Do you fear life?
From time to time. Ett� olisin el�nyt liikaa tai liian v�h�n. Toisaalta, semmoista se on, asioita tapahtuu - carpe diem, man.

7) Do you fear pain?
Lihan kipua en pelk�� en��, sit� on tullut jotenkin tullut kipukynnyst�, mutta henkist� kipua osin kyll�.

8) Has music ever scared you? If so, what was it?
Twin Peaks music use to scare me when I was younger.

9) Have you ever genuinely hated anyone?
Yes. Few persons, but not anymore. I was quite too bitter then. Now I've forgive myself and them. Now I realise that I havent hated anyone ever since. I can be dissapointed and hurt but I dont feel hate or real anger.

10) Have you ever had surgery? If so, what kind?
Over week ago I got birth control implant inside my left arm. Nothing bigger ever, if I remember rightly.

11) Have you ever seen a tornado? Would you ever chase one?
My dream is to become a tornado chacer! Really. Uuuh...*glittering eyes*

12) How bad (or good) is your eyesight?
Im almost blind when someone takes away my eyeglasses. almost -8.

13) How do you think the world will end?
Joku aamu her��n, haukottelen ja maailma loppuu. Happy end of the world.

14) How important are memories to you?
Sometimes I really really really need to remember. I have long perioids in my life that I just cant remember more than few clips. My sister is my diary.

15) How loud can you scream?
Vvvveeerrry.

16) How many dramatic, life-altering events have you experienced or witnessed?
Many?

17) How many languages do you wish you knew (and which ones)?
Japanese, Polish, Spanish, Danish...

18) How soon will you get your next body modification and what will it be?
Tattoo.

19) How would you captivate an audience?
Avaamalla suuni ;)

20) If given the choice, how would you want to die?
Haukottelemalla. When yawning.

21) If given the choice, which of your senses would you lose first?
Smell, I think...

22) If you could learn a trade or skill, what would it be?
To really know how to dance everything. Well. or then play jazz with piano.

23) If you could wake up as someone else tomorrow, who would you be?
Myself without this goddamn tummy ache.

24) Name one song (or more) that makes you cry, and why.
Bj�rk's Play Dead - I always die and reborn by it. Its full of memories about pain and also it heals. Very intimate song for me.

25) Name something you take seriously that other people might not (and vice versa).
I dont want to make a list ;) hehe no really, dunno.

26) Pick your poison.
Coffee.

27) To whom have you lied?
To myself.

28) What article of clothing could you do without for the rest of your life?
Thong undies.

29) What do you like most about yourself?
Comme si comme sa. Right now I like my new hair and power!

30) What do you like least about yourself?
My "rootless" personality.

31) What do you wish you had been named?
I don't think I could be named anyone else. My name is Lotta-Mailis. Maybe Mailis as a first name would have been ok also.

32) What have you gotten rid of that you now wish you had kept?
Some of my books and old clothes that I gave to my stepsister. I've lost weight so much that I could wear most of my 3-5 year old clothes. Duh.

33) What have you saved that you wish you had gotten rid of?
Hum...My old school books.

34) What is the best live performance you have ever seen?
Ultra Bra's last gig in Turku last year. They really rocked.

35) What is the most meaningful word you have ever heard?
Fight.

36) What is the most serious crime you would be willing & able to commit?
I dont really know.

37) What is the scariest movie you have ever seen?
Probably The Blair Witch Project just because it felt so real. Mental horror is grrreeeaat.

38) What is your best-kept secret?
Its a secret.

39) What is your experience, if any, with illegal substances?
Hum hum...

40) What is your favorite:
Mode of transportation?
Driving.

Name, male and/or female?
Wilma, Sumu, Usva, Roni, Miro, Nestori...I dont know...yadiyaa.

Planetary body?
Uh?

Season?
Every season has a "thing", but now I long for summer breeze.

Type of writing instrument?
Vintage typewriter or black ballpoint pen. Computer is fast of course.

41) What is your favorite:
Smell?
Sea, Fresh bread, basmati rise, warm skin, nobody's fur, jean-paul caultier's "classique", fresh cutted grass etc.

Sound?
Music which makes me shiver, rain on the window, cello, waves against the rocks, Cat's purring.

Taste?
blueberry, spices, chiken, coffee, salmiac, loimulohi!...

Texture or sensation?
Nobody, warm soft skin, brick wall, being kissed, shy touch of a someone you care about, silk, everything soft etc.

42) What is your fondest memory?
Hiiri Saari.

43) What is your greatest fear?
Olla unohdettu. Pett�� kuolettavan suuresti joku eik� koskaan saada anteeksi.

44) What is your oddest or quirkiest talent?
My huge library of different kind of voice tones I can speak with.

45) What is your strongest-held belief?

Being open-minded towards others...
46) What makes you nostalgic?
Nights. Some music.

47) What makes you strong?
When I feel myself weak and mentally over drived and empty I get this huge burst of strenght inside me. Those are times when I realise that I have to take care of myself and put myself to next in line... Music also makes me strong. and joy.

48) What makes you vulnerable?
To be on "stage". When I realise myself feeling something I feel vurnerable.

49) What place have you been to that you never want to return to again?
Mental hospital.

50) What religion, if any, were you raised in?
PAGAN ;)

51) What would you put on a vanity license plate?
n/a

52) What would you teach to someone else?
"Semmoista se on - asioita tapahtuu joille ei voi mit��n, pit�� vaan el�� eteenp�in"...

53) What would you want to be remembered for?
I dont know. Personality? My music or something that I possibly leave alive when I die.

54) Where must you go before you die?
Moon, Spain, Scotland, Ireland, Brazil, Portugal, Germany (Berlin), Iceland, New-Zealand, Little islands on the sea, everywhere!11

55) Who are "your people"?
Ppl I dont truly ignore, who are in my mind more than once.

56) Who, if anyone, has broken your heart?
I.

57) Who, if anyone, has mended it?
Myself, My Mom, friends and a years of therapy. ;>

58) Who is the most important person in your life?
Me and Bunch of ppl.

59) Why are we here?
Miksi siksi...

60) Why are you here?
I have a mission.

Oh yea, in finnish-english then. Oh well. Goddamn Im tired. Im in moody mood. Drinking tea, eating toast. I forgot to steal toilet paper from somewhere and Im outta of it! Also I dont have filtering paper for my coffee maker machine - How will I survive!!1 I dont know! ;)
Tomorrow I will get a muff. Oh yeah Rock on baby yeah!
We took some photographs tonight at rehersals and I was wearing wig and whole makeup and system all night. Im so lazy that I havent wash them away yet. Boring.

I dont know am I tired or what is this goddamn feeling then...In a way I hate to be at home. In a way I like this nothing to do no hurry and what so ever feeling...AAAAAAAAAAARGH.
sunnuntai, marraskuu 17, 2002 | | |

Being home so early I start to think - What should I do? Cook, watch tv, eat eat eat or read read read. sit front of the irc? Idle? I dont know how to spend free time anymore. Argh.
sunnuntai, marraskuu 17, 2002 | | |

perjantai, marraskuu 15, 2002

These are the days when I want to bang my head to the wall. I feel like screaming out loud to wind and going around like a storm and then cry a bit. Throw and hit pillows around. Make someone stop myself and be glad that I have someone to stop me. But...I keep it all inside. Ommmm ommm...

Yeah, what a jolly day! In a huge way it is. First:
Few minutes ago it became one year exactly from Tommy musical opening night. How FUCKING sentimental.

I woke up today at early morning to realise that I have rolled away from my sofa and didnt really sleep a lot, felt shitty (tummy ache), it was grey weather (if you read yesterdays entry you understand - I have similar mood than weather)...But after getting total hair redone oh oh oh yeah I felt so goddamn good. Just what I needed. Just what I wanted. Just what I desinged. 3h of chatting with my hairdresser Taru, laugh and good time. Nicey. WHITE Blonde, somekind of silver thingie in it, nougat and latte coffee brown lines...mmm...
Then I went to Cosmic Comic Coffee to meet Petrus. Ari came to pick envelope which included Korte co's money from using his studio. I forgot to give it to him yesterday. He was so jolly that whined me to pay him back some old money I've "borrowed" and which means he took all my last pennies...I mean euros. That's why Im in this stormy mood. After it me and Petrus runned around the city searching for muffs and so on. Got almost everything I needed and I truly hope I'll see Tuire today or someday in this weekend cause I need back that 40e I put in to things we need. Then to my Mum's work to print some things. Quick dinner with her. I was smiling and feeling extremely sappy but inside - close to neurvous brakedown. Went to have coffee in Apteekki, read good book and came home. I think I'll start to meditade or something to get myself calm donw a bit.

mm...Im not even stormy anymore. I dont feel really pissed off. Im not really over top happy either. Numb. Maybe it is this "time of month", but no I dont think so. I think I'll get something quick to eat, change of clothes and make up to my face and then to have a pint or to with Senni dear. She will borrow me good music which I need so much. Also Im soooo glad and happy about S�de visiting me at tomorrow!! Woo. Epa is at boat with her bf. Korte is at Helsinki. Hanna flied to Barcelona. I have achy tummy. I want to kick someone's ass. Hear me roar. *RoAr*... Ok - stop whining Lotta!
Hehe, I just love fridays.
perjantai, marraskuu 15, 2002 | | |

Came home few minutes ago. What a night. Rehersals where hard - lasted til 23 something. Then one beer at Apteekki and Jere drove me home. I love that group of ppl, I love that band, I love everything but today it was all so hard. Thight and snappy. In a way. And worst of all - after all night jumping on stage wearing ichy blonde wig, we had to unpack everything - lights, set, cabels, eeeevvvrrrything. I vacuumed all stage and tadah, nicey and clean. Hard work. Sigh. In sunday we'll have photographer there. Tomorrow I'll have to get false lashes, some make up thingies for myself. Takes loads of money from my own pocket :P Also I have to go to search some muffs for myself, Epa and Hanna. (Hanna went to Barcelona today and will come back just before opening night. Hurray!!1) And clothing thingies. Hopefully I'll find proper ones. Also I have haircut tomorrow. Early wake up. Oh yes - no stress. Hahha. okkkk....Maybe I dont go to eat to homehome tomorrow, cause I go to coffee with Petrus after haircut, then its about 16.00 and I should go with my mum co. If I skip that I'll get time to run around the city, go home to change clothes and go for conversation and beer with Senni-syster. Then at Saturday S�de arrives for daily visit. Nicey poo, havent had a change for girly talk in AGES (and I hate myself about that, Im horrible friend) or she have never seen my apartment or what so ever.

My mood is totally connected with weather - grey day, bad mood. I was so pissed off today that I cried when bus left me on the bus stop. (well I had 20mins time to get to city and at that time of day I have one bus per hour BOHOO) I called Pentti and he had just the time to pick me with taxi and drive me to city. Im sure I sounded so goddamn helpless by then that he had no choise. Then dance/singing rehersals at Hanna's place and quick cup of coffee with Senni. I went to Stockman to pick something to eat, runned to Marina palace and I was shaky and weak...Change of clothes, huge French bread with chicken, chocolate bar: I was re-charged.
Sigh. Still...In a way I feel complitely tired and sick of everything when I step inside of this apartment. Dunno why. Anyway, something to eat, cup of tea and some pages from one good book and I'll go to sleep. Laters. Nighty nite.
perjantai, marraskuu 15, 2002 | | |

torstai, marraskuu 14, 2002

G'Morning. I rarely have time in my life to sit down front of the computer and read emails. Or then answer to 'em. Today we have gloomy grey weather, my tummy is hurting (perioids - again!), I feel tiiiired. Yesterday I came home and went straight to bed after one cup of hot tea. We had good dance rehersals and after it me and Hanna went to Apteekki for one beer. We had nice time. Jakke aka QKoira where there also and later on some other ppl and we mostly just had jolly time and jokes. Now awhile ago I woke up, soon coffee and one glass of berocka, dance rehersals and then later on group rehersals. I have no part in my body which aint hurting. Goddamn Korte is at Helsinki atm and will come back in monday, for crying outloud!!! We dont have even two weeks for opening night - one lead will leave to Barcelona tomorrow and one is at Helsinki til monday. Shoot me.
I should have cello lesson today, but I think I'll cancel it cause I have so busy day. This week is just rehersals. I think I'll try to get it to monday or tuesday cause then I could have time to play. Next week is more free than this. Yay.
My mood is almost always touched with the weather and now Im as grey as sky. Bohoo.
I know that I should write down my thoughts and what is going on to him, but my head is in total chaos that I really dont get anything to paper. Im quite out of saldo so I wont answer to his sms. I have no time to asnwer in to his emails. And if I do, what could I say? If I give my little finger he'll take my whole hand. I have a block. Im empty inside and my shell is the thing which is living. Oh well...
Tomorrow a haircut at the morning. Meeting Senni at the evening. S�de here in saturday. Sunday rehersals all day long. Goddamn tummy ache...
torstai, marraskuu 14, 2002 | | |

keskiviikko, marraskuu 13, 2002

What a extremely beautiful day. Yesterday I had a long one - rehersals til 22 something and then to have a beer in apteekki. Korte got money so he bought me a round. We (Epa, Korte and I) had a jolly conversation about sex and relationships. Later on Jakke (Qkoira) came to our table to and it was fun. I drank beer and redwine which always gives me a headache if I drink beer...YT gang had opening night for one show and they came and filled whole Apteekki in a snap. I've always secrectly wanted to be part of that theather, but never got a urge (or something) to even really think about it. But we decided with Korte that at summer when he gets out from army, we join in.
Morning coffee, morning melancoly. Sunny. Helvetin TALITINTIT ovat repineet kalliin eritt�in vaikeasti asennettavan ja hy�dyllisen hyttysverkkoni tuhannen pillun p�reeksi!! Why? I get a gun and start to hunt. Talitintti pihvej�. Which reminds me...I havent got anything good to eat in ages. I long for chin slice of beef and stuff. Red meat. Mmm.

Everything is in a way ok. Life is doing fine. S�de is maybe coming for daily visit here in saturday. I've let her down so so so many times and Im sure that we have NO change to meet in Xmas or so on that...well. Im just not sure did I have daily, nighty or all day rehersals or rehersals at all...Anyway, today I have a free day but night is dancing rehersals. I have a cello lessons tomorrow. I havent play anything in ages. Last week I forgot whole lesson cause I was so excited about Alice Cooper's gig! When I was at Helsinki it striked me that It isnt saturday...it was thursday and I had cello lesson which I truly forgot! God I felt horrible and I didnt have saldo in my phone and so on, so I think I'll get a huge bucket of flowers or something. Eeek. Yes, I have new glasses and in friday I'll go to Haircut! It will be something wild! H�h�h�h�h! :))

In a way I try to take my space. For moment. Think a lot. Be with myself. Im so busy and having hectic chaos in musical which is driving me complitely empty. I know that I have to talk with Him soon, but I said that I'll do it when I feel that Im ready. Right now all that I have inside my head is blurry. Its too dangerous. Maybe he thinks that this is so easy to me. It isnt. Or is it? Dunno. Ok...More coffee and then I have to do the dishes! I'll had them on my "do this today" list for few weeks. Korte is visiting me here today also, He'll past by while he's collecting studio paycheck from band boys. He promised to borrow me some cd's! Yay.
Goddamn my muscles are aching.
keskiviikko, marraskuu 13, 2002 | | |

Berocka on taivaan ihme.
keskiviikko, marraskuu 13, 2002 | | |

I want to go and scream to the wind.
keskiviikko, marraskuu 13, 2002 | | |

tiistai, marraskuu 12, 2002

Im going out of my mind. Phone is screaming, door bell is ringing.
tiistai, marraskuu 12, 2002 | | |

Came home like 20mins ago. Talked with Eric at phone for 15mins. Now feeling hungry and reading emails. I truly want to write something back to those, but I write - take all text away, close it, write again, same thing...nothing. I dont know why. I have a lot to say, but I need time. <-1h later. Eric called again. Happy joyful chat with my English pal from Leads. Aaaanyway gotta go to sleep or something.
tiistai, marraskuu 12, 2002 | | |

maanantai, marraskuu 11, 2002

Its sunny and like -10 degrees outside! Brr! I have rehersals today at 17.00 and before that I should meet Senni. Im tired, still sleepy havent got coffee yet. Slept very well, thought I went to sleep very late (or early at morning, depends how you look that) cause I didnt want to miss a change to be like that. Goddamn, I should start to think about things...how in earth to pay my rent or even stay alive to end of month. I should do that poster, but right now my head is so messy that I just cannot find myself staring the screen. Last night after 7h of theather madness I just didnt have any powers. Tomorrow we have shorter rehersals so *yes* I have time to do what ever I want to at night. Irc, posters (I want to get rid of that project), do dishes...
I found my old ripped jeans which are HUGE on me. Those has huge holes but I dont care...I really do want to wear them someday haha :D
maanantai, marraskuu 11, 2002 | | |

I dont know what it is, but I love my apartment at nigth time. When lights from outside makes shadows and all kind of funny pictures on my walls. I sat on the floor and leaned to radiator (I love to do that, cause my back needs something warm and if I sit next to something warm my hands, nose and everything else is warm also)...listening procol harum's whiter shade of pale and now Satie's gymnopedia. It music which is like silence.
maanantai, marraskuu 11, 2002 | | |

Reading book (Veijo Meri - manillank�ysi, reading it again), drinking tea and enjoying. Few candles, nice relaxing music. I put Bj�rk's Verpertine on and once of my old old favorite song hitted me again. it is just so beautiful:

An Echo, A stain
he touched
my arm
and smiled
-
one of these days soon , very soon
.
love you til then
love you til then

feel my breath
on your neck
and your heart will race

don't say no to me
you can't say no to me
i won't see you
denied

i'm sorry you saw that
i'm sorry he did it
an echo
a stain...
a s t a i n . . .

i can't say no to you
i can't say no to you
say nothing

freefalling - complete

I just dont know why, but always that song and these lyrics touch me. I truly wish that I would have wrote that song. I love that part "feel my breath, on your neck, and your heart will race"...I heard that line over year ago and I was in love. That sentence is just so beautiful. The "idea" of that line is just so estetic. Warm. Gentle. Intimate. Ok - water is boiling. Tea.
maanantai, marraskuu 11, 2002 | | |

Came home like 5mins ago. Put tea on. Legs are hurting. 7h of training today. First time with real band. 2 sax. I almost came in to my trouses, cause...I just love saxophone. dancing and everything, Im totally tired. After it few beers at Apteekki with good friends, a lot of laughing and It was so so so so hard to come home. Why? Its clean here (only thing I havent done is that huge mountain of dishes...ARGH) and so on. I should do posters and some other works for tomorrow but I think I'll do them at morning and send those away at afternoon. Deadline is tomorrow. I have time. I also have rehersals at 17.00...Sigh. I have feeling that I would really want to sit down with someone right now, drink tea in candle light and talk talk talk. About what? Nonsense. I hate to step in this coldness which my apartment is full of (huge windows and poor radiator system)...Everything is so beautiful outside. I talked with my dad today and I truly wait for Xmas when I have time to visit there. Im outta cigarettes and when Im having this happysad melancoly feeling inside me I usually enjoy reading book, drinking tea and smoking. But no can do. I can write my mood down in one word (which include two haha) "HappySad". That's what it is. There's sometimes so much beauty in world that I cant stand it. There is sometimes so much things in my life that I get happysad and I just cant stand it. But I always wait. For what? Phonecall from a friends? Emails? Miracle? Huge pile of bills into my postbin? Dunno. I've been thinking way too much lately and its driving me loony. Not really, but I cannot describe it better. I try to be hard ass mother fucker who ALWAYS (no matter what!!!) can survive (not even that. I love to be touched. How sissy of me. So shoot me?), but I have to admid that I really need a hug.
maanantai, marraskuu 11, 2002 | | |

sunnuntai, marraskuu 10, 2002

What a beautiful mooorning...Physical feeling aint that pretty thought, I feel like I could sleep forever. But, coffee and then I'll cook something yummy. chiken noodle m�ss��. Then shower and fire under my ass I'll run to city to rehersals. I wonder if there is any stores open today cause its so called father's day. Conratulations to every Daddy-O...Anyway, I need to get some snack for rehersals. I truly amaze how'll I get my body on move today. I feel like having iron stick in my butt again. Brrr...this apartment is cold, but sun is shining, everything is white and It sounds that my coffee is ready! Soon Buster Keaton on tv. Wo-oo.
sunnuntai, marraskuu 10, 2002 | | |

Its so beutiful outside and i should be sleeping already. My favorite Buster Keaton movie is at tv2 tomorrow at noon and I have to be fully awake then. I have good feeling and smile on my face. Tomorrow will be hell - rehersals from 14.30 to 21.00 (and maybe over it)...and because of one person, I truly truly afraid what it might be like. But fucking hell, I'll do my job as best as I can without thinking about it. Really. Its less what I can ask from myself. I love myself after cleaning this apartment for fucking 5h today! only thing i didnt do was loundry and dishes...but I can forgive myself that hahah :D I really should clean places more than once in three months ;) Nighty.
sunnuntai, marraskuu 10, 2002 | | |

lauantai, marraskuu 09, 2002

Oh yes. Woke up moment ago. At morning I woke up with very achy tummy, but after awhile it ended and I got myself back to sleep. Tho, my phone have been ringing again all morning and I havent heard anything. I havent noticed alarm clock either - which means that I have a huge hurry to get to grosery store, start to clean this apartment and then run to sity...eek...Waiting for morning coffee and yawning. anyway, I always have time to fill stupid surveys:

01. What's outside your window? Talitintti and a tree. Suburbia...
02. ... on your desk? eyeglasses, gromit miniatyre, picture of Nobody, empty coffee cup, garbage
03. ... on your walls? Lahti Jazz Tori 1994 poster, bookshelves, photographs, whip and pearl curtains...
04. ... under your bed? a whole loads of dust. I sleep on the couch.
05. ... in your fridge? Old oranges, new clementins, few bottles of milk (one old), water, majonase...nothing really.
06. What's attractive in a man? hummm...Argh really hard to describe...Substance, "backbone" (selk�ranka!), takes responsibility. yadiyaa.
07. What's attractive in a woman? Mental strenght.
08. What would you do if you woke up as a member of the opposite sex? I would go hunting.
09. Ever had sex on the internet? Noup.
10. Love is...chrystal. One so beautiful but also heavy. You have to perspire it to make it shine. Buahah. (Eh? Shoot me, I just woke up...)
11. What kind of ornament(s) are you wearing at the moment? star with chrystal and symbols, and back ground of it there is text "fight" which I draw there years ago.
12. Your favorite mug? Pink Mickey Mouse cup which I bough from Italy or then Wallace & Grommit cup I got from Senni ages ago.
13. Your preferred perfume/ scent? I like to use Jean-Paul Caultier's "classique"...I love scent of clean warm skin.
14. What are you sleeping in? In very very cute boxers (which is old and in pieces) with t-shirt or then naked.
15. Do you own any band t-shirts? a few.
16. A historical person you admire: Richard Feynman.
17. If you could chose, what age or place would you like to have been born in? Im quite happy this situation.
18. Favorite author(s): Hard to say few.
19. A book that influenced you or left a lasting impression: Kundera's "Unbearable lightness of being"
20. First literary quote that comes to mind: �Sinun t�htesi ovat niit� jotka nauraa" - Pikku Prinssi
21. Is there any idea you really believe in? myself.
22. Religion - yes, no or maybe? comme si, comme sa.
23. Ever reversed your opinion on anything important? yes.
24. Is there anything / anybody you'd kill or die for? kill? Hard to say.
25. What do you think happens after you die? Happy end of the world?
26. Favorite kind of fruit? Peach.
27. Favorite pizza topping? blue cheese, asparagus, everything yummy!
28. Favorite ice cream flavor? chocolate, mango and all coffee thingies.
29. Addiction of your choice? Singing. Everything soft. Coffee.
30. Spring or autumn? spring..erm or can i choose both?
31. TV or internet? Internet.
32. BBS or chat? BBS.
33. Pc or Mac? Pc cause I have one, but I would love to get mac!
34. Best thing about the net? I dont know. Easy to keep contact with pals around da globe.
35. Most annoying thing about the net? junk junk! spams. stupid ppl.
36. Whose artists' new CDs do you buy without listening to them first? Bj�rks. Almost everyones but I almost always have this feeling that those are good and Im also right about it!
37. The one CD you'd save if the house was on fire? I thought this question for 5minutes and went half grazy! I dont want to lose my cd's! ;) But maybe Cocco's cds. You wont get them from anywhere and I truly dont have money to travel to Japan to get all of them (which I own hahah!!)
38. What's the last CD you regretted spending money on: Dunno.
39. Lyrics that define your current state of mind: �I wanna hurt you just to hear you screaming my name" - Alice Cooper, Poison...;))
40. Concert you've been most impressed by: Rammstein year ago.
41. Being around people or being alone? Both.
42. Waking up or falling asleep? Waking up.
43. First thought in the morning? Shit...*staring the clock*
44. Giving or receiving presents? both.
45. Walk in the rain or take an umbrella? both. Or then just stand somewhere and staring the rain.
46. I would never... sell myself.
47. I want to... have a good conversation with someone or then spend night at home drinking wine and reading book in candle light.
48. I will... buy candles. Its too late to get wine. 49. If I could, I would...buy some delicious red wine! and dont think about the price...
50. I am... Tiiiired.

and on my way to store. Hurry Lotta hurry. Goddamn this apartment is cold. Its -0 degrees outside, my batteries are cold and everything is cold and Im like ice cube or argh...Sometimes I hate when I whined at summer when this apartment was hotter than my sauna.
lauantai, marraskuu 09, 2002 | | |

Its so beautiful outside that I feel like I could cry. Night with silence and tea. I walked throught forrest to home and only thing that I missed was sparkling -20 degrees and snow making crunch noise in every step. So white, so pure untouched snow and so silent. I felt like Im the only person awake in this area. took photos. It will never seems like it on the photopaper, but still...I sometimes wish that I could have a memory like on photo's. I took phone and wanted to share this view with someone. Had few on my mind. I Wrote sms and delete it. It seemed silly to write that "Its snowing. walking home from bus stop using so called "sort cut" (+0.5km) throught forrest. Unthouched whitenes. Beautiful that it makes me sob. Only thing I miss is read minus degrees. Wanted to share this with someone. G'night."

No one never got this sms. Thought its still in my phone. Haha. Oh well. Then I watched some tv, ate toast and blue cheese. I just dont understand those bloody chat shows that we have in three tv channels in finland. Most pathetic is this so called "s��t�j� show" or something like that which is placed on the bar in helsinki and someone is fooling around there doing things which chatters make her do via sms's...Im sure there is no God.

Now Im way too tired. Too tired even wash my make up away. Im sure I have time to do that in the morning haha. Going to spend day with cleaning this goddamn chaos away from my apartment (over 2months just running around, just visiting for sleep or something in here), getting all goodies from stores, running around at city doing things I suppose to do, meeting ppl I suppose to meet, maybe have a pint at night and have a EARLY bed time. Aaahh...what a splendid idea! I truly enjoy it. But Im sure - I'll sleep too late and mess it up haha...we'll wish me luck. Zzz.
lauantai, marraskuu 09, 2002 | | |

perjantai, marraskuu 08, 2002

I just luuuuv (white) blue cheese. Mmmm...
And why, o-why this fucking Popstars Gimmel song is on the radio all the time. (even thought Im not even listening radiostation that plays that kind of music) ARGh! So monotonic yadiyaa trallalalaa...
perjantai, marraskuu 08, 2002 | | |

Uhuhuh - If you have imagination you can cook delicious meal from everything. Well Im not a pro when Im in kitchen but damn good "everything you can find from fridge/kitchen" a la Lotta. Camomille tea and Ah. Goddamn I wish I had a car (and driverlicense would be very good idea then too) - I feel like I want to hit the road. Even thought weather is horrible and so on. Put some blues on, drive to Ruissalo and stare to sea, scream to wind. Or then just go around make everything to feel like an adventure. Im like a locomotive. There was few things in my head that I cannot get rid of. Argh. But...mm now I need to send sms to Korte and ask time when we'll meet...
perjantai, marraskuu 08, 2002 | | |

Pretty Ugly rehersals (or for me it was more audition or something) without a voice...Grrr. Then fire under my ass sprint to home and now I wonder that why In the earth I forgot to go to the store. Empty fridge. Tea and toast with peach marmelade, some make up on and quick change of clothing and then again back to city to meet Korte and his girlfriend Anni. Came to Turku at 14.00 today, it was raining wet snow then already and it become afwul afterwards...Wet and windy. Bloody. We are going to have few pints and good conversation, which is just the thing I want. Where...of course my tummy ache for grill/fast food (dunno why!) and candies (I get these days from time to time)...also there are some things I long for, but hey that's life. I wish I'll get my voice back again soon (will this caughing ever leave me? Please?) and rock 'n roll.

In my head there is this sorb-i-tol's song rolling around. called "bitter sweet delicious life"...Is there better way to spend a night when you cant sleep / longing summer breeze / the joy it made you feel"... But now - something to eat! Think you better knock knock knock on wood, think I better knock knock knock on wood...I just hate fridays.
perjantai, marraskuu 08, 2002 | | |

It feels like it is sunday already...sunday bloody sunday, but no! Friday it is, glory day in a week. Nothing special to do. I woke up and it took like minute for me to figure out that where I am. I slept so deeply and forgot the fact that Im in helsinki...
perjantai, marraskuu 08, 2002 | | |

Alice Cooper was just what I was looking for. Blood, severed heads and old man singing, rocking and wearing silver rubberpants. Yeah! When "school's out" started there was this grey headed man over his 50's jamming and dancing around while his wife wanted to fade away cause of shame. Of course sexy dancers and oh so old Cooper clishes we saw, but also something new - "Who you respect!!!!!??" Cooper screamed and then dancer who was Britney Spears look-a-like jumped on a stage and started to sing "hit me one more time" (it was play back. Later on I started to wonder that why in earth they have gave rights for them to use that orginal song...) and dancing wildly. Cooper came and took a HUGE haldberd and he chased her away from the stage. Scream and soon Cooper came back carrying "Britney"s head...Heheh. After gig there was ppl giving me flyers about Manowars concert. Well that was enough for on stage show for me for awhile. But oh-so nostalgic. Rolling Stone's Paint in black sounds better than ever and Im so tired. I have achy troath and feeling dizzy. So much to do, so little sleep. Ok, gotta go now - I have to jump to train afternoon at latest. Ok - Nighty nite, dont let the bed bugs bite and so on...
perjantai, marraskuu 08, 2002 | | |

torstai, marraskuu 07, 2002

I havent wrote any poems (only lyrics for Sorb) in few years and in sunday I took a pen to my hand and wrote three poems. Here is one.

Meri

Joskus ajelehdin
Tartun poijuun
Liveten k�sist�ni
Upoten kuin lupaus
Jonka t�yttymyst� odottaa
Myrskyn keskell�
Hetken laineilla
Joiden kulku veisi eteenp�in

Kuin meri
Myrsky�isin yll�si
Rakennan rantaa
Isoilla kivill�
Jolloin kummelina rannalla huudan
Valkeana n�hty , vaarallinen?

Ei ole ket��n niin kuin sin�
huudat per��n
Ei ole ket��n niin kuin sin�
huudan tuuleen
Ei tule toista niinkuin min�!
Tyyni, houkutteleva, suolainen.

Well what do you know. Sometimes words which you roll around in your head days before come alive later? Hum... But now - shower.
torstai, marraskuu 07, 2002 | | |

yesh. feeling a bit ill. I think its cause is this cold apartment, coughing and tiredness...

YEA. Alice Cooper! House on fire! Poison! Be my frankestain! Rock on fellas, im going to lose my voice complitely tonight. Caughing my lungs of already. Oh yeah, really having good dinner at the moment...Went to the grosery store when I got back to Littoinen and bough mini pizza and pikka salad and both ate cold. In hurry. I have to run to shower soon also...But coughing - too much cigarettes last night. Neurvousness is a bad bad thing.

I went to pick my new eye glasses yesterday afternoon. Met Korte in Fontana where we hang for hour or something and then went to Apteekki to get some "Neuvoa antavat" (cherry beer). He won these movie tickets, tshirts and soundtrack in Auran Aalto's (local radio station) silly contest. He asked me to join in this comedy and I also got a tshirt he won. Its quite way too big for me. L is Large, not a Lotta... Anyway, he read those tickets wrongly and we missed the silly american comedy (Bohoo). Well we desided to hang around and went to look for cd's. I want to hang myself cause again I bought a cd. So sue me! Shoot me! ("Kill me, fuck me love me - i dont care" used my old mobilephones logo say) I spend money like an miljonaire and I do dont have NO idea how to live, pay my phonebills and for fuck sakes - my rent. Whine whine whine. Well everything will go well, always. I believe in that. No stress for me please. (Yes Lotta, I promised to be a good girlie)...Anyway we desided to check movie "Red Dragon" da Hannibal Lecter movie out. It was quite boring. Emily Watson is adorable, Raulp Fiennes is great and etc...but, hey please?

We waited for movie in Hunter's Inn when I got and sms from a friend. He truly suprised me. After movie we met and we had conversation and bable till down of the day. Pain in the ass. Sigh - confusing. But but but - "I wont think about it today, I'll think about it tomorrow" (Scarlett O'Hara - Gone with the wind)...

Hahah Got a sms from Petri R (our director) Where he told me that woman gotta do what woman gotta do. Right on, Petri. I'll keep my head on this and start to take care of myself for once! No more mr nice guy...no more mr u-u-u....

Horrible weather. When I walked to bus stop I slowly opened my eyes and tried to get back to this gloomy grey world. Where is the snow? Its so windy what I can bearly walk for few steps without stubling around. Anyway - Im not so melancolic no more. To make myself sound stupid I'll quite Britney Spears "Now Im stronger than yesterday"...Buahhah.

A said that he is easy to leave. Now he's sms'ing me that "tekstaa kun olet leppynyt" and he dont beliebe that im quite serious. Yesterday there was agony, blackmail, hate/anger and now he's acting like Im a child who is whining for a candybar in the store. I've never been so confident about something. It hurts a lot but I've grived everything already months and weeks ago. Didnt want to, thought. But that's how it goes. I closed my feelings out like Hitler Jews in an owen...And took my wise-Lotta for hard patient work. Gotta run!!! Its over 2pm already and I need to be in Helsinki today!
torstai, marraskuu 07, 2002 | | |

keskiviikko, marraskuu 06, 2002

Its been ages since I wrote here. Life have been hectic mess lately. What youll order that you also get...No powers left. I know that Im strong. I will gather myself from pieces again. I needed to do that cause I need to be myself. Its all I do - I want to be myself. Nothing more. Myself. When I start to notice that someone drinks all my powers and life from me, I need to stop it. I've spend so many years getting myself together again and I need to keep it that way. I know that I enjoy my company and I've made to be on my own. Im gratefull and in side me feeling terrible and endlesly sad. But I'll survive.

yksin�isyys ymp�rill� joskus ottaa hahmon ihmisen
tied�n mit� haluan tied�n miten v�h��n kykenen
yksin�isyys syd�mess� katkeriksi pisaroiksi tiivistyy
siin� yksin�isyyden on seuraus ja siin� on sen syy

olen sinussa kiinni, sin� tied�t vaikka my�nn� en
l�heisyytt�s kaipaan
rakkauttasi tarvitsen
olen sinussa kiinni
ja sinuun kiinni j��n
sano: Pois! ja m� menen, kohta huomaat etten mennyt mihink��n.

kumpa sinut tuntisin paremmin
silloin ehk� oppisin itsenikin
vaik en koskaan luptasi poistunutkaan
tulen uudestaan

yksin�isyys yksin�isen
joskus siihen hermostun
halki aavikon j�isen r�mmin, kunnes havahdun
kadehdi en niit� jotka luotuja on kaksoisel�m��n
joskus tuntuu etten kunnolla saa eletyksi t�t� yht�k��n

kumpa sinut tuntisin paremmin
silloin ehk� oppisin itsenikin
vaik en koskaan luotasi poistunutkaan
tulen uudestaan
aion tulla viereesi uudestaan
poikki ikiroutaisen is�nmaan
vaik en koskaan luotasi poistunutkaan
tulen uudestaan

I had my bday at sunday. got a toaster as a present. Nicey. Also I got a phone call that I got my new classes today also. Later at later night Korte has free tickets to some bimbo comedy, so We will go and see that. Tomorrow Helsinki and Alice Coopper. I can hardly wait. I need to close my soul for a while and think about this all when I get back to on the sea or to nature. God how much I grieve for vacation...
keskiviikko, marraskuu 06, 2002 | | |

perjantai, marraskuu 01, 2002

I spend night photographing Mikko's band. For their first demo album...It was raining like hell and I catch flu again. Last night I had great gigs at Down Town. Then I party party and got home late. Got sad phonecall. Went to sleep. Day full of bittersweet feelings - Cello lesson, quality time with Petrus talking about my oh so strange life. I got a birthday present from him (I have bday in sunday! 3.11!). Nice book. Yes! I was so delighted. I also met Senni. Came home and made some food. Then Korte called me and so we went. After cold and wet photosession we went to Apteekki. I drank class of wine and time ran happily while making jokes and talking about Bond movies. With that band and group of fellows Im one of the boys and we are totally acting/joking like mad mans...but Its therapy. Now...I have early wake up at 8am. Then to lunch with mother at 11am. Rehersals at 12. Then at night I promised to go to have a pint with Senni, we have a lot to talk about. In saturday I have one hell of a day, but still I go to party, maybe...Sigh. And sunday noon I have jolly event at my homehome where all the close relatives comes to "Oh how time flies, I remember so well when you where like _this_ and so small" and eat the cake. After it to rehersals. Then to have few beers and celabrate my bday by that. Nothing big. I want to let it be. I can hardly wait to see Alice Cooper on stage in 7.11!...sigh.

I'll get new glasses next week! :))

Im tired. Its raining. Outside and inside of me. I really need to sleep now. Misty dreams.
perjantai, marraskuu 01, 2002 | | |